Sunday, April 8, 2007

Baseball's Greatest Shame

No, not steroids or HGH. If you thought I was going to get all sanctimonious about Barry Bonds, I have a big hairy ass you can kiss. I like him, and I want him to break Aaron's record, and I think sportswriters in general should be skinned alive and roasted, just on principle.

The shame I'm talking about is letting ordinary citizens sing our national anthem. I'm talking about the kind of singer that watches American Idol and thinks "Hey, I can sing like that."
The term of art in this case is "Melisma" and it is the primary reason "American Idol" is as bad for the youth of America as crack cocaine is.
Melisma is the way of singing where, instead of taking one syllable and using one note to sing it, they take one syllable and use seven or eight notes to sing it, like Mariah Carey or ANY woman you see on American Idol. They think the way to be a diva is to do that awful, annoying vocal run bullshit. Then some amateur singer, maybe they're in a choir or something, gets picked by the Giants (and insert your team here) media office to sing the anthem before the game. And the trainwreck begins. Whenever I go to the games, I have to explain to the people around me "I'm not hurling this bucket of rotten fish parts at our country's national anthem, I'm hurling it at the moron who just did it grievous bodily harm in front of the crowd.

I get cranky when I hear "O'er the la--ha-hand of the Fuh-ree-hee-HEE-hee-hee-heeEEEEEEEH.......and the Home of thuh-huh-huh-huh-huh...Buh-ray-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-uh-hay haaaaaaayve."

I'd rather have Mrs. Miller (pictured) sing each and every one.

1 comment:

The Omnipotent Q said...

We may differ on Bonds, Ken, but we are on the same page as far as sportswriters go.

I believe in the "tarred and feathered" method, but skiining alive doesn't sound bad to me either...