Bless Me Readers For I Have Sinned

It has been one month since my last posting. I don't know what happened. Maybe it was the extra-kine pot I sprung for. The kind my associate refers to as "The Purple Hurkle". The kind that makes me put on Lucinda Williams or The Grass Roots or the Stranglers or James Brown and annoy the neighbors. Maybe it was depression. No job, fatness, old age and all. Maybe it was something that has chased me since infancy---laziness. That was probably it. I once told my mother that a perfect epitaph for my headstone would be simply my name, the relevant dates, and the inscription: "IF ONLY HE'D APPLIED HIMSELF"

Anyway, I haven't done much lately except host The Quizzes, watch five + seasons of "24" in a row (thanks Netflix), take my significant other for his dog park play dates, and the occasional rubbing-one-out thing.

Plus the weather's been nice. We've been spending a lot of time out-of-doors sitting in front of coffee-houses. One of us eyeballing hot midtown goth or hippie chicks, the other eyeballing bits of croissant and scones. Both of us salivating.

I don't know who the guy in the picture is. I googled "priest" for a picture, and I thought he looked cool. Maybe like a guy who practiced The Ancient Religion in private, and by day lived as a priest. Maybe not.

As an act of contrition, I'll resolve to update the blog in a timely manner. Not like people are waiting for it or anything. But baseball season is upon us, as is summer, and perhaps some twisted romance. So I might have things to post about.

One more thing--They had one of those annoying stupid irritating two-day pledge drives on my local affiliate a week or so ago. The kind that makes my skin crawl.

But I gave them some of my ever-decreasing pile of not much money. Because Peter Sagal made me feel like a dick. Sometimes that's the best motivator.

Marty

Tonight I finally watched "The Departed", Martin Scorcese's nomination-laden 2006 Gangsta pic.

I enjoyed it, but I don't think I'm prepared to review it just yet. I want to let it sink in. I will say that I think "The Departed" must hold some sort of record for top-notch acting talent dying in many violent ways. Well, the gun and defenestration for two.

Which brings me to a simple set of questions, since it's "Oscar Week". If you were to spot the great director, given a list of these names, who would you say is the finely skilled talent?

1. Martin Scorcese.
2. Kevin Costner.

Or, if you're uncomfortable with the way I posed that one, how about his? Which of the following pictures is an influential masterpiece, still fresh more than 15 years after its release?

1. Goodfellas
2. Dances With Wolves

I don't know if I care to live in a world where Goodfellas was not named Best Picture, and Martin Scorcese was not named Best Director. But it happened. Martin Scorcese was passed over for someone who even Madonna thinks is a dork.

I was kidding about not wanting to live in a world yada yada yada, but still.

Great Moments In Jurisprudence

While doing a little light reading on cannibalism this morning, I came across this gem from the trial of Alferd Packer, an old prospector in Colorado who led some companions into the San Juan Mountains in 1873 and came back some weeks later, alone and suspiciously fat. He claimed that his pals left him in the wilderness, and he had just barely survived his ordeal back home. Apparently, his fatness aroused suspicion, and the discovery that he had a large collection of his companions' worldly goods in his possession didn't help his cause either.

He was convicted of murder, later reduced to manslaughter, and sent for seventeen years hard labor. At his sentencing, outraged judge Melville Geery uttered one of my favorite sentencing lines ever:

"Packer, there were only seven Democrats in Hinsdale County, and you ate five of them, you depraved Republican son of a bitch!"

Looking around on-line, I found that this may be apocryphal. But still, I prefer history to be on the side of a guy with a good one-liner, so I'm accepting it in my heart as if it happened that way.

A claim is made that Packer and Albert Fish, an extremely kinky old codger in the late 20s , were the only two people in the US ever imprisoned for cannibalism, but I doubt that. Off the top of my head, I can name Jeff Dahmer and Ed Gein. The Russians approached it differently. Take Andrei Chikatilo, the Monster of The Don. Chikatilo actually wasn't sentenced to prison, he was given a 9 mm intervention a few months following his trial.

My Favorite Day Of The Year

Nah, not Valentines' Day. My significant other is a dog, and he doesn't get the deal with such things. I'm talking about the day pitchers and catchers report to spring training. This is the day when my angst-meter is reset, and I look at all the moves the team made during the off-season with optimism and rose-colored glasses. Today is the day when my well trodden-on heart overflows with the notion that my Giants can go 162 and O during the regular season, and then 11-0 in the post-season.
Of course, once the emotion and the THC wears off, I get realistic. But for now, I love everyone on the 40 man roster, and the main one who isn't "officially", Barry Bonds. I had a rough fall and winter, and nothing says "renewal of Spring, and with it hope" like the official beginning of the baseball year.

Catch Of The Day: "Dad's Gonna Kill Me"

One of my favorite musicians, Richard Thompson, has a new song available for free download on his site, Beesweb.

It's called "Dad's Gonna Kill Me". It's a provocative, chugging rocker about the Iraq war.

Download it Here.

Re-issued Treasure: Home & Away

It's a rainy afternoon in Sacramento, and I'm having the time of my life. I'm listening to perhaps the greatest live acoustic album ever made, Clive Gregson and Christine Collister's "Home And Away".

It's been out of print for at least a decade, and it had been almost that long since my tired old cassette version, purchased (and autographed) at one of their gigs, finally became roadside confetti. Used versions on Ebay invariably were in the hundred dollar range, a bit rich for my impoverished ass. In the few email exchanges I've had with Clive over the years, I always asked when this would come out again. He was always noncommital, of the "maybe one day" persuasion. Imagine my surprise a few months back when I got an email from him announcing that Gottdiscs, a reissue company in the UK was putting it out again. I ordered it from them straight away, and it got here promptly.

I was hoping that I hadn't made it legendary through memory only, and that it would still sound pretty good.

It. Sounds. Excellent. Made for allegedly sixty pounds in 1987, around the time they were an integral part of the Great Richard Thompson's touring band (Clive, guitar and vocals Chris, vocals) this CD features only a lush acoustic guitar sound and two voices that wrap around each other with intuitive grace. This is living-room quality stuff. It sounds like they're on your sofa or in front of your fireplace. On the more raucous numbers, there's even an excited dog chipping in on the chorus. Cover versions like Merle Haggard's "Mama Tried" and Larry Williams "Matchbox" are mixed with some beautiful Gregson compositions like "Home Is Where The Heart Is", "All The Time In The World" and "Northern Soul". Several of these songs are from Clive's days with Any Trouble, an unfairly neglected pop band on Stiff Records' roster. If you're of a mind for an intimate live album , do yourself a favor and click on the link below and buy it. I think the exhange rate and postage work out to about twenty bucks total.

Get it from Gottdiscs UK. Click Here.

Dive! Dive! Obsessing on Submarine Movies

I've been watching submarine movies like they're going out of style. They probably are out of style now anyway. I've seen most of them before, but one watching begat another, and soon my Netflix queue was as loaded with submarines as the Kriegsmarine was in 1940. They range from teh excellent, (Das Boot) to the absolutely horrible (U-571) . I was going to review them all, but I figured U-571 deserves its own post. WARNING: TOTAL SPOILERS BELOW.

U-571
I had run out of sub movies to watch, so I watched this one. Oy. . Matt McConnaghey is the XO aboard the USS Bon Jovi, named for the guy playing a doomed crewman. Cap'n Bill Paxton is the earnest skipper, who has recently given the navy a "no" vote to the question of should McConnaghey have his own command. They get a mission to go snag an Enigma machine off of a disabled U-Boat (U-571, natch.) First they must race to the scene ahead of another German sub sent to rescue it, then don Nazi Submariner uniforms, board the disabled vessel, overpower the crew, snag the Enigma machine, blow up the disabled sub, and return to base pronto before the dirty huns know they're about an Enigma Machine shy of a full compliment. Leading the landing party for the Americans is good old David Keith, (who you may remember as the wise-cracking, engagement-ring gobbling cheap motel suicide buddy of Richard Gere in "An Officer And A Gentleman" and not so much of a career since.) There's also some government spy type who speaks fluent German and gets seasick along for the ride. I forget who plays him, but he looks like a cross between a stockbroker and Tim Roth. Everything goes pretty well vis a vis the sub takeover, and just as they're ready to blow the disabled sub, the German rescue sub appears on the scene and torpedoes the American sub. Just a handful of men remain on the disabled German sub (and the Enigma machine, saved from drowning) and they immediately dive. Through expert maneuvering, they manage to fire a torpedo at the enemy sub, and it blows up real good in CGI splendor. They surface, looking for survivors. They see Cap'n Bill Paxton floating dead with a blowed up eye, and the ONE survivor they pluck out is the former captain of the very UBoat they're stuck on. A Jerry. A lousy hun. From here on in, it is submarine movie cliche all the way.

• Captain looks through periscope, sees destroyer bearing STRAIGHT FOR 'EM.
• Destroyer lobs a bevy of depth charges, rocking the sub, leaks spring up.
• Captain insists they 'take er deep', close to or surpassing "Crush Depth"
• Screws pop loose, gauges pop their bezels, leak after leak appears.
• The only thing left is to? Wait for it.....BLOW THE TANKS
• German captain able to kill a crewman, and later signal the enemy destroyer before being apparently bludgeoned to death.
• Surface, race against time to fix the broken torpedo tube, launch single torpedo at bow of ship, watch it blow up completely, saving the day and the code machine.

Also, it really bugged me that the Americans were the ones that swiped the Enigma. Several Enigmas were captured early in the war by the British. No Americans got an Enigma until 44 or so, long after the U-Boats were a big factor in the war. The sensibility of this film would be like making "Enemy At The Gates" into a movie where a cowboy sharpshooter (Brad Pitt or someone) and his handful of salty American troops stop the German advance at Stalingrad and save the Soviet Union from ruin. For four decades anyway.

I learned from the internets that one of the deleted scenes (not included on the DVD, unfortunately) has Jon Bon Jovi being horribly decapitated. That might have changed my outlook.

I think that U-571 has as much accuracy and realism as say..."Down Periscope".