Nervous Red Dog

Sibling Revelry

2010-02-01T18:30:00.000-08:00

Not many nights ago, on a patio of a bar that used to be my favorite, some friends and I were in full on music geek reverie, discussing our earliest musical memories, and what turned us on for the first time. Sure we were drunk, and we had smoked something someone snuck in from Afghanistan, but it was a good night. I haven't talked music in forever, and it was great to hear what other guys (and the one girl) remember as their first favorite tunes.

The first song I remember liking was a song called "Alley Cat", which I heard off of one of my dad's Chet Atkins records. I think Dad only had one Chet, tucked in there with the Nat King Coles and Erroll Garners. But that's the one I liked. And then came The Beatles, on Ed Sullivan. "Meet The Beatles", their 1964 Capitol Release, was the first Album I owned, purchased for me by Mom at White Front.

But a key part of our conversation, and one that made me think the most, was the role our siblings played in shaping our musical tastes. There's five years difference between my older brother Don and myself, and growing up, we were more pains in each others' asses than friends, but when he would leave the house, I'd have free reign over his collection. Here are ten albums I first heard via my brother's collection. I own copies of all of them now, and since I've dug them for going on fifty years, I don't think there will ever be a time when I don''t love these.

1) The Dave Clark Five "Glad All Over"

I think these cats were on Shindig! or Hullaballoo! or Hootenanny! or one of those other shows with exclamation points.

I loved those two drum kicks in the hit "Glad All Over" (the bit right after "And I'm feelin..." and right before "Glad all over!") and the song "Bits & Pieces". I have a multi-disc collection of the DC5, but it's overkill. This is the one I'd keep.

Dave Clark was the drummer. I wonder how many times the lead singer had to say "No, Dave Clark's the drummer."

2) Chad And Jeremy "Sing For You"

I loved these guys. They had an album before this, but this one was the best pre-psychedelic Chad and Jeremy release (Cabbages And Kings was their magnum psychedelic opus).

This one had a Lennon & McCartney song "From A Window" --the best Beatles song not recorded by the Beatles---and one of my all time favorite songs, "Four Strong Winds".

Also, a song called "Donna, Donna" which sounds pretty until you realise it's a bird taunting a calf on his way to market and slaughter. Even the winds get a laugh out of the poor guy's plight. Whatever.

Chad & Jeremy further cemented themselves into my young psyche when they appeared as "The Redcoats", a singing group booked on the Alan Brady Show and greeted with Beatlemania-style results, meaning they had to lam it out in New Rochelle at Rob and Laura's house, where only Millie Helper could bug them. Yes, it's The Dick Van Dyke show, the finest sitcom television has ever known.

3) The Byrds "Turn, Turn, Turn"

My first exposure to Dylan was through this album. It contained more palatable (to my young ears) versions of "Lay Down Your Weary Tune" and "The Times They Are A-Changing".

This album also sparked my love affair with The Jangle, which has stuck with me through my whole life. The Jangle is that sound that twelve strings or six strings make. Jangle-pop.

The hit (and hence the album title) was "Turn Turn Turn", a Pete Seeger version of a passage from Ecclesiastes. I remember contemporary press proclaiming the Byrds the "American Beatles", and that always ticked me off to where I held it against the Byrds on subsequent releases. As I grew up, I realized the Byrds were one of the best rock bands in their own right. Crosby's haircut on the cover of this one makes Paul Simon's on "Bookends" seem tame.

4) Simon & Garfunkel "Parsley Sage Rosemary & Thyme"

This was my introduction to Paul and Artie. It's their second album. Here, Paul Simon's writing talents were really starting to bloom. He was only 24 years old.

His best early song, "Homeward Bound" is on here. Also "The Dangling Conversation", which is a bit pretentious in the lyric department, but still one of my favorites. "As you read your Emily Dickenson, and I, my Robert Frost..." All that's missing is the pipe and tweed jacket with felt elbow patches.

The one that affected me most as a kid was "7 O'Clock News/Silent Night, which has Artie's clear voice singing the classic carol while a newsreader announces the disturbing headlines of the day. Listening to it today, it's still moving to me. This album also contains Artie's finest moment until 'Bridge Over Troubled Water", which is the song "For Emily Whenever I May Find Her". It is the perfect showcase for a pretty near perfect voice.

5) Simon & Garfunkel "Bookends"

Another S & G. My first reaction when I saw this album in my brother's collection was "Whoever told Paul that bangs was the way to go does not have his best interests at heart." Well, maybe I didn't, but it's a silly haircut. No matter, this album knocked me on my eleven year old ass.

Starting with the brief instrumental "Bookends Theme", on into "Save The Life Of My Child" all the way to "At The Zoo", I was hooked.

This was the first time that I really noticed production. Roy Hallee deserves a lot of credit. Strings, sound effects, just magical.

This one has "America", "Hazy Shade Of Winter", and is the second album in a row to feature "Mrs. Robinson" (the first was their previous album, the Graduate soundtrack). It is the only album I know of that contains a track recorded live at The Home For Aged Hebrews in New York. ("Voices Of Old People")

6) The Rolling Stones "Big Hits: High Tide And Green Grass"

This is where you learn my brother was not some no-ball havin' folkie. The first time I ever heard the Rolling Stones, one of my all time favorite rock bands, was through this album, their first "Greatest Hits" package. And hits they were. Twelve songs, all the big ones. "Satisfaction", "Get Off Of My Cloud", "Nineteenth Nervous Breakdown" and "The Last Time".

My favorites on the album were "Tell Me", which had some great vocals from Mick and Keith and beautiful guitar parts, and "Play With Fire", which was a slithering ballad that made me wonder about parts of London. In the pre-internet youth, it was hard to get information on Knightsbridge, Stepney, and Saint John's Wood. I was able to determine that St. John's Wood was where the money was. If there was ever any doubt about how bad-ass the Stones were, Brian Jones puts them to rest with his FUCKING RED CORDS. Red corduroy trousers took balls to wear.

7) The Kinks "Greatest Hits"

Of all the things I'm indebted to Brother Don for, this might be the biggest---he turned me on to the brothers Davies, and ruined my young mind forever. Thanks, Don. This was the first Greatest Hits package that Reprise put out. It came out in 1966, and was even stronger than The Stones one directly above.

I'd never heard these guys before, and I can remember my nine year old jaw turning slack, with bits of drool pooling on the coffee table as I first heard "You Really Got Me", "All Day And All Of The Night" and "Till The End Of The Day". The campy "Dedicated Follower Of Fashion" was on board, as was one of my enduring Kinks favorites, "Something Better Beginning". These guys meant business.

8) The Rolling Stones "Their Satanic Majesties Request"

Where to begin with this one? First, the cover. 3D image, and if you turned it a certain way, you could find all four heads of The Beatles. It was seen as their answer to Sgt Peppers, but I think that it was their answer to Acid, which was making the rounds I'm told.

Then the songs. Two stony masterpieces, "She's A Rainbow" and "2000 Light Years From Home" laid my pre-drug infested mind out. I would put this one on and listen for hours, trying to isolate vocal bits and figure out what the hell was going on. One song had snoring in it. (The Gomper). Another one had Bill Fucking Wyman singing lead. When did that happen on a Stones album? NEVER AGAIN. Not a bad song, really, "In Another Land". The vocal effect was a bit much, but it's still a good song. Surprisingly, this ranks very high in my Best Stones Album list. Not surprisingly, my best experiences listening to it have been when I was very high myself. (Thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the veal)

9) The Doors "The Doors"

1967. My favorite year in pop music. It gave us the record above this one, as well as Sgt. Peppers. The Bee Gees first album, Procol Harum's debut, The Who Sell Out, Hendrix...and this one, The Doors debut.

I was fascinated by this one. Prominent keyboards, non-existent bass player, and very obtuse lyrics. It's the first time I've ever been scared by a song---"The End", in which it is implied that a kid kills his parents and sister. At least that's where my drug-free mind went with it. Plus, it was eleven minutes long. I think I liked everything on this album except "Light My Fire", the big hit, and I even liked that one a little bit. Over time, I came to see the Doors as a vastly over-rated band, with pretentious lyrics and a pretentious lead singer, of whom it can be said that death was a very good career move. But this album still works for me, and although I like a few songs from later in their career, this is the only one I really care about. And it's a good one.

10) Creedence Clearwater Revivial "Bayou Country"

OK, this wasn't in Don's collection. By the time this one came out, Don had moved to San Jose for school and taken his records with him. But, I include it because I wanted an even ten, and because I'd never heard Creedence before Don bought me this album as my 12th birthday present. I didn't like it at first, but later that summer I remember laying in the grass in the back yard, the living room windows open and this album playing. "Born On The Bayou" led it off, and that had swampy guitars and those growly Fogerty vocals that were new to me. The other hits were "Good Golly Miss Molly" and "Proud Mary", but the one that I liked to play over and over was the spooky eight-minute song called "Graveyard Train", which was a simple bass riff, some guitar fills, and an old blues style 'bad train to hell' vocal. In retrospect, one of my best birthday presents.

I'd be nowhere without my love for music. In hard times like these, I sooth myself with it, and motivate myself with it, and cry to it and fuck to it and lose my mind to it. Thanks to my brother, these 10 records were launching pads to further explorations and discoveries and a rare gift even if the person who gave it to you doesn't even know he gave it to you.

I owe you big, Don. I love you.

The Complacency And The Regret

2010-01-01T20:27:00.000-08:00

News comes to me second hand that someone I held dear and who always brought a smile to my face has died.

I cannot tell you how horrible I feel. I am sad for him, his lovely wife, and his son and step-son, both of whom he loved dearly and helped mold into fine young men.

Mostly though I'm sad because of me. I have spent my whole life trying to avoid "heavy shit". This includes confrontation, life's inconveniences, and deep feelings and/or love. I guess that's cowardice.
I flee from things that might make me feel something real.

A few months ago, I learned he had cancer. I called him and we chatted for an hour, while he waitied in a doctor's office for his weekly chemo. He sounded great, and assured me I hadn't heard the last of him.
We made nebulous plans to get together, and although I knew he was sick, I didn''t take the time to drive down to the Bay Area and see him. One of my dearest friends.

Dan Cotler had a hell of a good life. Too short, of course, but full nonetheless. I met him many years ago when we worked in the Tower Books Warehouse in the corporate compound in West Sacramento. I was the defacto manager of the place, and Dan was the guy who bought remainders (cheap books).
We often ate lunch together, and found lots of common ground. He was smart, and knew all there was to know about the book business. He taught me a lot. He'd been a bigwig with a major book company, but retired when his first wife Carol took ill with cancer. He took care of her as the disease took its toll and she finally passed away. He went back to work as a sales rep, in which capacity he met his second wife, Heidi. Heidi was in charge of Tower Books, and was a single parent. They courted over release books and cocktails at the legendary Candlerock Lounge, a few steps away from the Books office on Watt Avenue. Eventually, they married, and as all good couples do, complimented each other perfectly.

At their beautiful Sacramento home, they hosted legendary 4th Of July parties, weddings, funerals, demolition derbies and all manner of bacchanalia in the back yard. People came early and stayed late.
Some of my most treasured memories are of small gatherings on the deck for al fresco supper, wine flowing freely. Kinky Friedman, Sue Grafton, and Wavy Gravy all hung out in that yard at one time or another.

Then came the move to Benicia, and the visits became less frequent but still wonderful---sitting on a smaller, chillier deck and watching the sunset and the lights come up on the Carquinez Strait. Dog parks and Point Isabel with Dioggi and Chet. Then unemployment for me, and visits from The Big Black Dog, and no visits to the Cotlers.

As I lay in bed last night, trying to remember everything I could about Dan, wishing I'd gone and seen him, I found myself laughing more than crying. But crying too.

* When we first worked together, he had examples of young Aaron aka Sparky's artwork hanging near his desk. The pride he took in Aaron and the genuine kick he got out of his son really made me love him.

* His dad was Ben Cotler, and he grew up in rural Jersey. No, I don't remember which exit. Ben loved newspapers, and Dan shared that love as well. When we travelled together, our morning coffee would feature Dan reading me items from the local rag, which he usually read cover to cover.

* Dan was in Korea, and drew hazardous duty----climbing to the top of water towers to check if they'd frozen over.

* Dan muttered to himself a lot. He had an eternal internal running dialog between "Clear Headed Dan" and "Confused Dan", which often became external via audible mutterings. Our mutual friend Javier once said "Heidi put a muddle-spell on Dan, and he failed his roll." One of my favorite memories of being his cubicle neighbor at Bayside involved one such argument between Clear Head Dan and Confused Dan. Dan came in to work, set his keys down, and began a long discussion with himself as to whether he remembered to turn the stove off at home. "Wait, did I?....I thought I did because....No, of course I did...I think I did....Did I?" He slowly worked himself into a lather that included newspaper headlines that went "HOUSE BURNS DUE TO OWNER NEGLIGENCE" ... Finally, I heard the swoop of him picking up his keys and marching out of the building. An hour or so later he returned, and went about his business. I said "Well?" and he said, quietly.."Oh yeah, it was off..."

* In 1962, Dan and a friend drove from Detroit to California and Tijuana, living out their own Jack and Neal fantasy.

* Dan lived in Detroit during the 1968 riots.

* Dan hated peaches. This was because in his youth, he worked the Jersey peach orchards and couldn't get the itch of the peach-fuzz off of him.

* Dan called Heidi "She Who Must Be Obeyed", just like that British guy on that one show.

* Dan loved the Oakland A's, and made an annual pilgrimage to an early A's game with Hal, Pally (Glen Shelton), and Ken Krieg. Pally and Ken are both gone now too.

* Dan knew Forrest Gump would be a huge hit movie, based on the way he used to sell the paperback version of the novel years before.

* Dan taught me about "Salesman's Luck", which is when you find a parking spot right near the door of the customer you're calling on.

* Dan loved hot dogs. I remember how his face lit up when he bit into a good one, and he'd wink and say "Nice crunch..."

* Dan and I once drove to Fresno in Heidi's car, and got a Tom Waits tape stuck in her player, and spent almost an hour and a half on our knees trying to remove it, lest she kill us both.

* I was with Dan the first time he died. We were in San Diego opening up the La Mesa book department, and staying at this pricey hotel in Mission Bay. We finished work and rushed back to the hotel, had a quick drink and went up to my room to watch the series finale of "Cheers". That makes it 1993. We were watching the show, enjoying it, and at one point, Dan stopped laughing. I looked over at the other bed where he was lounging, and he looked dead. Not asleep, Dead. His chest wasn't moving, he didn't appear to be breathing, and I began to panic. I thought he was dead. I imagined Heidi calling (She was supposed to call after the show) and me having to tell her "I'm sorry. Dan is dead...at least he died watching a show he loved..." I thought how lame that sounded, and was trying out alternative dialog when the old bastard snarked and woke up. My adrenaline was going, and he got a little ticked that I thought he'd died. "I"m not THAT much older than you, Koch. And I'm in better shape."

* Dan got yelled at by Gene Simmons on the phone once, making me instantly hate Gene Simmons.

* He liked a good vodka martini. I didn't, and don't, but last night I drank several because he couldn't.

I will miss the man for the rest of my life, his type don't come around all that often.

As I wait for 2009 to enter the past in just a couple of hours, I send my thoughts to him, and my Stepfather, who was every bit a father to me as my own. I lost two good men this year.

Resquiat In Pacem, old friend. Hope you're laughing wherever you are.

My Top Ten Albums of 2009

2009-12-05T20:10:00.000-08:00

2009 wasn't such a good year for me (sure, there are 25 more days in which a turnaround could occur, but I ain't holding my breath...) but there was some great music popping out. For the first time in a few years, I had lots to choose from. My guidelines were that it had to come out in 2009, and no live albums allowed. That's about it. I even ranked them for a change.

#10- Boo Hewerdine - "God Bless The Pretty Things".

Boo Hewerdine was in a nifty British pop group called The Bible in the 80s, and later in the 90s. He hung out with American songwriter Darden Smith and put out a good album of songs called Evidence in 1996 that I thought was good enough to make my top 10 that year. So 13 years later he does it again, nailing the last available slot on my roster.

"God Bless The Pretty Things" is an album of spare acoustic arrangements, lovely lyrics, and a breathy voice that suits them . "Suits you, sir. Suits you."

Interestingly enough, or not, there's not much about Dick Taylor's band The Pretty Things on this album.

##########

#9 Imogen Heap - "Ellipse"

Imogen Heap comes out of a group I found somewhat annoying called "Frou Frou", but this album hit me at the right time. Moody, loopy, broody, and lots of other "oo" words I'm sure. She inhabits that "Goil Singah" niche somewhere between Kate Bush and Jane Siberry on the landscape. More poppy.

This is Imogen Heap's third solo album, and though the others are a nice listen, this is the one where she hits all her marks in my opinion.

I've heard her called "laptop folk" which is a pretty good description. It certainly fits on "Ellipse. Check it out.

###########

#8 Lyle Lovett - Natural Forces

Lahl. You just have to love Lahl Lovett.

I know I do. I like this album very much. I think it's his best album since "The Road To Ensenada".

Contains a couple of sweet Lyle-penned ballads, a Townes Van Zandt cover, and an hilarious double entendre-laden ditty called "Pantry".

Lyle is an American treasure. One day he'll die, and you'll say "Oh yeah, Lyle Lovett...I have ALL his records." Do yourself a favor and get this one.

###########

#7 Ian Hunter - "Man Overboard"

Ian Hunter, of Mott The Hoople fame, has been making great records for years, and it seems to me the older he gets the better he gets. 2009 found him at 70 years old with an excellent follow up to one of my favorite Hunter albums, 2007's "Shrunken Heads".

If you don't know Ian Hunter, you suck, but impress your friends by knowing he's the guy that gave us "Cleveland Rocks", or "Theme To The Drew Carey Show". Assholes.

Hunter has always written good lyrics, and here he adds the old wit and charm to such subjects as the world economy, life as a rock n roll grand-dad, and even a song that would get him a firm lecture from HR if he actually worked in an office, called "The Girl From The Office". Not Pam Beasley nor Dawn Tinsley either.

###########

#6 Monsters Of Folk - "Monsters Of Folk"
If you'd told me in 2008 that 2009 would see me owning an album that has Connor Oberst on it, I'd have grabbed a ball point pen, rammed it into the side of your neck, and watched you bleed out, all the while laughing. But your death wouldn't have changed the fact that you'd have been right.

This album is off the hook good. Conor Oberst doesn't even annoy me that much, although I find that I do skip his contributions almost automatically. I just don't like him. He's like Devandra Banhart, only more so. But back to the Monsters of Folk. Yim Yames is the anti-Conor, and he can do no wrong. Mike Mogis, one of Conor's men, and M. Ward are the other guys. This album is full of 70s hippie references, and they pull off the CSN routine well enough to make my top 10 for the year. Good work, men.

############

#5 Yusuf Islam - "Roadsinger..."
Yep. Cat Stevens. It looks like my list this year is all stuff that reminds me of music that came out when I was young and vital. If that's the case, so be it. It is after all my list, and I can pick what I want. Effers.

So our boy Yusuf released an album in 2006 called "An Other Cup" which I enjoyed a few times and then ignored. I even gave it to some relatives for Christmas, and they didn't like it. And not because he's a terrorist, either.

So 2009 gave us "Roadsinger..." which is a much more solid effort. Cat was the ultimate spinning hippie in the early 70s, and just about everybody liked him, even though he couldn't rock his way out of a paper sack. He still can't, but that beautiful voice is still in full effect, and I'm not ashamed to award him the five position ahead of all that other stuff we already discussed. Vintage VW bus on cover too. So he's got that going for him, which is nice.

##########

#4 Cornershop - "Judy Sucks A Lemon For Breakfast"

You probably know these guys from the kickass Fatboy Slim remix of "Brimful Of Asha". They've always been the kings of South Asian Britpop, and this album does nothing to dim their glowing star in that firmament.

I had the song "Who Fingered Rock N Roll" which opens the album stuck in my head for weeks, and I'm sure my neighbors considered legal action on those days when I put it on endless repeat. Only later did I realize the whole album was as good as anything they've done. It always makes me happy when I play it. Gotta get it at the Cornershop Shop though. Worth tracking down, I promise.

##########

#3 Imaad Wasif - "The Voidist"

WTF? Who's this guy? Have terrorists invaded my top ten? Nope. Imaad Wasif used to be in an incarnation of The Folk Implosion, and was a touring guitarist for the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. I had never heard of him either. But then some guy said give this a listen. Oh. Yeah. This guy is pretty intense. Crunchy, stinky guitars. And you can almost smell the reefer. Which usually signals something good to me. This is no exception. Go to the link, and give a few tracks the perfunctory listen. It might be something you'd enjoy.

##########

#2 The Rolf Lislevand Ensemble - "Diminuito"

In my early teens, I heard an album of lute music that haunted me. I didn't know the title, nor who did it, nor where to find it. I never found it. But I did roll the dice on a few lute albums I found in the cheap bins. I loved them all. In fact, every so often I buy an album of lute music. I've never not liked one. A few years ago, I bought a Rolf Lislevand album. The Norwegian lute player-- I'm sure you've heard of him?

His 2009 release, "Diminuito" is pretty spectacular. Diminuito was the renaissance practice of improvising over well known melodies of the day. Early jazz, and that. Soothing without being boring, the lovely music on this CD is my current favorite stress-reducer. Besides a nice wank. It's on the ECM label, a label that I am usually wary of, due to its association with "experimental" jazz releases like "Suite for Cello and Engine Block" and shit like that. This is renaissance lute music, brought alive and right next to you. No engine block required..

############

My number one album of 2009? Yep.

1) Madness - "The Liberty Of Norton Folgate"

Madness' brilliant debut album, "One Step Beyond", which came out in 1979, is one of my favorite albums of all time. It's fun, infectious, and still holds up today. I often go back to it when I need to energize.

Sadly, I didn't like much stuff by them after that, not even "Our House". They have always been likeable chaps, so I gave everything they did at least a listen, but nothing ever measured up to "One Step Beyond".

So, thirty years on, they release a double concept album about a neighborhood in London, and it's bleeding fantastic. In fact, this is their magnum opus. Bleeb dat shit, Jigga. Three years in the making, they earn a pass from me forever, because I know that at least every thirty years, they release a perfect album. An easy choice for me for my "Album Of The Year" for 2009.

"Honorable Mentions"

There were some live albums that were automatically rejected as per my rules, but I loved Thea Gilmore's live cd "Recorded Delivery" and Tom Petty & The Heartbreaker's four disc live retrospective "The Live Anthology". My hero, Richard Thompson, released a live version of his fine album "Sweet Warrior" called "Live Warrior" on his website, but couldn't be included either, although I love it.

I also disqualified Rosanne Cash's wonderful "The List" album, because it was all cover versions. My list, my rules. But I love that album. New albums by Elvis Costello, Levon Helm, The Decemberists, Cheap Trick, Echo & The Bunnymen, Jill Sobule and Robert Earl Keen were considered for my lists but didn't make it because the ten I picked were better, in my opinion (which is the only one that counts for the purposes of this list.

The hardest cut of all, and perhaps the unkindest, was the debut album by The Big Pink called "A Brief History Of Love". Time may make me wish I'd included it instead of the Cat Stevens one, but what the hell. It's a fine album, and you 4AD kids will be well pleased by it. Thank you for your attention. Bring on 2010.

Classic Album: Sweet Warrior by Richard Thompson

2009-12-03T13:11:00.000-08:00

While getting ready to compile my "Top Ten of 2009" album list to share with my equally geeky pals and palesses, I checked my iTunes library to see what I've listened to the most. Not surprisingly, the 2007 album by Richard Thompson, "Sweet Warrior" was the album I listened to the most. I hereby name it the best album of the last five years, and quite possibly my favorite Richard Thompson album, no mean feat.

A critical darling and a "guitarist's guitarist", he's never had big hit album. He gets some nice royalty checks, I'm sure, from the cover versions of his songs by such people as Patty Loveless, Emmylou Harris, Bonnie Raitt, The Corrs, The Pointer Sisters (!) and lots of other folks. I went to see him at the long-lost Palms Playhouse in 1985 or so on the strength of the Rolling Stone magazine review of his current album at the time "Across A Crowded Room", and I haven't looked back since. I've seen him dozens of times since, by himself or with a band. Anyone I've ever introduced to his concert experience has been lightning-bolted like Saul on the road to Damascus.

He's that good.

But back to "Sweet Warrior". I've neglected it over the last several months because it was completely intertwined with my last failed relationship. In fact our last "date" was to see him in Santa Cruz. Of course he was fantastic, my beloved was blown away too, and I thought that it was right and good in a perverse way that Mr. Gloom & Doom himself, Richard Thompson, would serve as the punctuation to that bittersweet stab at rekindled love.

But I couldn't listen to him for awhile. My favorite artist, and I couldn't bear to listen to him. The horror.

But last night, I manned up and decided to give it a spin. Then another. Then another. Then some tequila. Then another tequila. Then tequila some more. Then another spin. Then muted foggy daylight. Sigh.

If you don't have it already, you need to buy it. That's an order. Then you have to listen to it. Tequila optional.

Track 1 - "Needle & Thread".

This jaunty number describes in humorous fashion various relationships gone wrong after which the singer must get a needle and thread to sew his heart back together again. He gets extra credit for using names of girls who rarely make it into rock songs, like Caitlin and the beautiful Welsh name Myfanwe. (Myfanwe runs off with a guy named Dai.) Nice crunchy guitar solos.

Track 2-"I'll Never Give It Up"

He's pissed at somebody. Maybe a stalker? (I'd better watch out). Nice line "You're someone I can't help but betray / Because you built me up that way..."

Track 3-"Take Care The Road You Choose".

The heartbreaker. My favorite on an album of favorites. Still a bit tough to listen to, but its overwhelming beauty compels me. Every verse of the beautiful lyric is punctuated by his fluid, melancholy yet uplifting guitar work, and the solos give me chills. Chills, Jerry.

Track 4 "Mr Stupid"

From the sublime to the ridiculous in one song. Ridiculously good song though.
Clear the streets and book your seats, Mr. Stupid's back in town.
I like this line:
"When your friends point out your stuck with a Neanderthal for an ex
Don't fret about it, darlin, I still sign my name on cheques..."

Track 5 "Dad's Gonna Kill Me"

This is the one that got all the (limited) press. NPR highlighted it on "All Songs Considered" and he played it for Terri Gross on Fresh Air. It's from the point of view of a soldier fearing for his life in Baghdad ('dad for short.) I think it was a single. I can't see the kids dancing to it, but a great song nonetheless.

Track 6 "Poppy Red"

This beautiful song is about a girl who died. Par for the course for Mr. Cheerful and lighthearted. Not.
"Now my love makes her bed
Where poppies grow over her head
There in a field, there in a field
Warm and red - as the blood she shed"

Track 7 "Bad Monkey"

Very fun very catchy song with sax and accordian solos. Don't hold that against it. It's advice to someone about ditching their loser boyfriend.

"Where's the joy in a boy who dribbles when he drinks his tea
I've seen better manners from a baby chimpanzee..."

Track 8 "Francesca"

A broody number praising Francesca. Nice beat. This one snuck into my favorites on the album upon repeated listening.

Track 9 "Too Late To Come Fishing"

Has RT added a fishing song to his oeuvre? Nah. This one's about somebody
fake. Sweet harmony by Michael Hays on this one.

"But now you want to make a new start
I'm so touched by your change of heart
But my diary's fit to overflow
Find yourself another gigolo..."

Ouch.

Track 10 "Sneaky Boy"

This one's dressing down some sneaky boy. Handclaps, unique melody, and this couplet. Top this, Bernie Taupin:

"Spleen of Mammon, Spleen of Midas
Now you scold us, now you chide us.."

Track 11 "She Sang Angels To Rest"

Very sweet ballad about a summertime love. How do you fall when you already fell for the best?

Track 12 "Johnny's Far Away"

The album closes with three monsters right in a row. If it weren't for "Take Care The Road You Choose", the next three songs would be in a dead heat for favorite song on the album. Kicking off with "Johnny's Far Away", a modern sea shantey about a guy in an unhappy marriage who signs on with a cruise ship as part of a Ceilidh band. (Ceilidh pronounced "Caley" is a Scottish traditional dance form. Some cruise ship, huh!) While Johnny's far away on the rolling sea, his unhappy wife is making time with someone on the side, in their own bedroom after she puts on a video to babysit the kids. Meanwhile, while the cruise ship is turning hard a-port in the Bahamas, Johnny's helping some matron out of her pyjamas. At the end of the song, Johnny stumbles home with "eleven battered roses", perhaps my favorite image on the album. My beloved pointed out to me that she saw it as he fished them out of a trash bin on the way home from the pub. I agree with her. The couple reconcile at the end of the song, and "get down to the job of man and wife..."

Track 13 "Guns Are The Tongues"

This fine lyric is complex and full of imagery. The tune is swell too. It's about Carrie, a woman in the IRA who has a little gang that attacks British soldiers. She gets recruits by seducing them in her bed. She comes across a guy named Joe who is a dullard, but very tall. The other guys derisively call him "Little Joe" because his head scrapes the ceiling. Carrie tells Joe she'll "lie like a rose on his pillow, and will twine the laurel in his hair." Don't know about you, but if a woman told me that, I'd be putty in her hands.

Joe's mission is to drive a car-bomb into a roadblock full of soldiers. He is supposed to jump clear at the last moment so he doesn't get blowed up. But Joe's a dullard, remember? He's worried that he'll scrape his knees on the pavement if he jumps out. So he blows up. Soldiers investigating the explosion "marvel at how far his boots had travelled". Simply a great song.

Track 14 "Sunset Song"

This one's another heartbreak. A beautiful finger-picking intro on the ol' acoustic. The singer is taking his leave of a lover in yet another failed romance. Someone who wants him to love her in total depth, and yet that's not good enough.

"You said if I held my breath, and dove down deep enough, I might grow fins.
Seems to me I've held my breath, held my breath to please you ever since..."

The perfect ending to a pretty perfect album.

I can't recommend it highly enough.

High Weirdness Honky Tonk; or Country and WTF---Eddie Noack

2009-10-16T14:51:00.001-07:00

"I seen my ex again last night, Mama

She was at the dance at Miller's store

She was with that Jackie White, Mama

I killed 'em both and now they're buried 'neath Jenkins' sycamore..."

That's how Eddie Noack tells his mother about the first two of six murders he commits during the course of a three and a half minute song called "Psycho", which might be just about the most perverse song ever recorded. The other four murders are his younger brother, the little girl who lives next door, a crying baby, and in the "twist ending", that same mother he is singing to. Oh yeah. He kills a puppy too.

I first heard this song years ago at an Elvis Costello concert. Since I had never heard it, I assumed it was a Costello original. But it was written in the 50s by the blind Texas songsmith Leon Payne, who'd written a couple of songs for Hank Williams that were big hits. Understandably, it wasn't a very well known song. In 1968, it was covered by Eddie Noack.

Eddie Noack was a songwriter himself, with a degree in Journalism and English from the University of Houston, the town that gave us the legendary Townes Van Zandt. He worked for the Nashville songwriting houses, and even for those "song poem" labels---the labels that would take out ads in the back of magazines saying they'd set your poems to music, and send you a crummy pressing of your song for a fee.

Since there's no readily available CDs of Eddie Noack, nor anything downloadable on iTunes or Amazon, I turned to the back alleys of the internet once again to secure a compilation made by some anonymous country music collector. Five discs worth, supposedly his entire recorded output.
With snaps, crackles and pops, as well as occasional skips, which only added to the authenticity of the stuff.

Turns out Eddie was a fine Honky Tonk singer, but with a weakness for some flat out crazy songs, that even in their day must have been VERY politically incorrect.

There's "The Poor Chinee" (bowdlerized on the label as "The Poor Chinese".) This little ditty is sung in pidgin chinese, such as "ship make a Chinaboy feel queer." and "little girl make wishee washee". A definite headscratcher as to commercial viability. But the weirdest thing about this song is that perhaps the finest country singer of all time, George Jones, chose to cover it.

If that's not enough to make you wince, there's "Firewater Luke", about what else? A drunken injun. Or more accurately, a man who sells "firewater" to drunken injuns (or the paleface, it matters not to him).

He wrote some great songs that weren't so weird, like "He's Gettin' Smaller (With Each Drink)" about a guy who's sitting around at a bar watching a pretty girl who happens to be with a date. So he keeps drinking, and with each passing drink, he gets more and more convinced he can kick the guys ass. THAT will impress her. So barkeep, make it a double and as Eddie says "Leave out all that fruit..."

But the big legacy for Eddie was his Batshit Crazy Trilogy of the aforementioned "Psycho", as well as "Barbara Joy", and "Dolores".

"Barbara Joy" is kind of like "The Long Black Veil", where a man wrongly accused of murder says nothing in his own defense because on the night in question he was "in the arms of his best friend's wife." Rather than besmirch her honor, he keeps mum and goes to the gallows. On dark lonely nights, the woman puts on a long black veil and mourns at his grave.

I say "Barbara Joy" is KIND OF like that, because in Barbara Joy the guy accused of a crime is guilty, and that crime is rape. He's asking Barbara Joy to "say that you were willing" so he doesn't swing. Yeah, Good luck with that, Eddie. Hey, guess what----George Jones covered this one too!

"Dolores" is just as weird as "Psycho".

We've got Eddie begging "Dolores" to stay inside the house tonight, because "lately there's been some violence in the streets..." He goes on to say how there's been a madman out and about, when he sees a woman, he "just goes berserk". He also mentions to Dolores that she's "just the kind of woman that he preys on." He's really worried because he has to work nights, collecting on insurance premiums. Again, he begs her to stay inside. Unfortunately, the police call him one morning and ask him to identify a body. It's Dolores. He laments, saying "Dolores, how could I know that it was you..." You see...HE WAS THE KILLER.

Classic.

If on your travels you see any Eddie Noack, any at all, pick it up. If you don't like it, send it to me. I'll thank you for it.

The King Of The Honky Tonks: Gary's Greatest

2009-10-12T21:04:00.000-07:00

On my journey through my country music collection these past few weeks, I soaked myself in Merle, Buck Owens, Porter Wagoner, Ferlin Husky and many others. Then I found my copy of "Gary's Greatest", a compilation of the one-time "King Of The Honky Tonks", Gary Stewart. I first found out about Gary Stewart when I worked at a record store in the late seventies. RCA was trying to market him with their "Outlaw Country" artists, like Waylon and Willie, and Tompall Glaser and what not. Only thing is, Gary was TOO outlaw for those people. And he rocked a little too hard, even for "outlaw" country. His music was single minded, and used the country cliches "Drinkin", "Cheating On" and "Being Cheated On" and "Gettin' Some" exclusively. Not many other subjects in a Gary Stewart song. Listen to Gary sing, and he'll convince you that he lived these songs, even the ones he didn't write. He had this unnatural vibrato, it sounds like someone with the shakes crossed with an ornery goat of some kind, and I mean that in the best possible sense. Gary will come to the end of a line and all that's left is that voice shaking out the last syllables. THAT my friends, is a country voice. Looking at the cover shot of this album, he looks kind of like the comedian Steven Wright, if Steven Wright looked like he might be drunk enough to punch you. Looking at various shots of him on the web, he was a handsome guy, but there was always something a little off.

Gary never had the fame he should have, although he had some country hits. He had a problem with speed and pills, and lived for a long time in a trailer painted jet black out in the woods. He'd get it together from time to time, but when the woman he'd been married to for nearly 40 years passed away, Gary was lost. All those songs about cheating, drinking, and living that life, but he couldn't function without her. So he cancelled the few gigs he had lined up, sat in an easy chair in his living room, and shot himself to death. Luckily for us, there's this CD. Let me walk you through it:

1. Your Place or Mine
The subtext of this song is...there is no subtext. He's at a bar, the woman he's trying to bed is nearly comatose ("your head's on my shoulder") and he himself is "feelin' fine". The bartender asks if he wants another round, but Gary thinks the time is right to ask the eternal, titular question. This collection starts off relatively tame, with only a passing "drinkin'" reference.

2. Whiskey Trip
Now we're talkin. Still only the "drinkin" card is played, but the booze soaks the song. Whiskey in the title and in every verse. In this one, Gary's missing his woman, who is apparently no longer in the picture. Where's Gary? Three guesses, but here's a hint: They sell Whiskey. Every time he takes a sip, he is transported to tropical climes with the woman. So he keeps sippin.

3. Brand New Whiskey
Gary adds the cheatin piece to the drinkin card. He's been dumped, "done dirty" by the woman he loves. He proposes that there ought to be a brand new whiskey available to him, and begins to list what properties it should contain. Great hook: "They oughtta make a brand new whiskey, and give it a WOMAN'S name..." He sings "woman" with a kind of angry snarl and hurtin' whimper that sells it completely. Brooks & Dunn covered this, but that one is one hundred percent ersatz. This is the deal, and a great one.
4. Out of Hand
Drinking is only implied in this, as Gary admits to being "a hard-livin' kind of man." This one is all about cheating. He's at a bar chatting up a woman he deems "my kind of woman." And as opposed to being "done wrong", Gary's "doin' wrong". He's cheating on the little woman at home, but he swears this is the first time he's done it. He also points out that he was really only flirting, and never intended it to "get so out of hand". But it does, and he feels bad about it, but not bad enough to not do it. Why? Because, as a hard living kind of man, he "needs more to keep (him) going than this gold wedding band..."

5. Ramblin' Man
This is a cover of the great Allman Brothers song. You know the one, "Lord I was born a ramblin' man..." This is the only song on the collection that doesn't reference any of the Big Vices, but still an admirable choice. If you need vicarious thrills, the narrator's father is murdered, and is apparently fond of casual sex. He warns the woman that he's bound to leave at a moment's notice, as he is a ramblin' man. And he also lets her know that he's looking forward to getting some from the bayou women who find him charming.

6. In Some Room Above the Street
He didn't write this one either, but it's a cheating song of the first order. Gary, married, is meeting his lover "In Some Room Above The Street". She's married too. He complains that it's wrong, and he compares them to common thieves and beggars on the street. Can't quit though. It feels "too sweet". The ante is upped in the final moments, when Gary suggests that if her husband should desire sex, go ahead and do it, but be sure to think of Gary whilst in the midst. Classic.

7. Ten Years of This
Bob Dylan allegedly loved this song so much he listened to it over and over again, moved to a trance-like state. (side note--it's not obvious to me that he's come out of it) Jackpot, content wise. Singing about a marriage that's gone bad---she's out cheating he thinks, and he's "sitting here stoned". He sings about it being good he's not sure she's cheating, because if it is confirmed, he's liable "to start talking with my fists."
And a great hook---after noting that "what ain't dead by now is dying", he wonders "What in hell kept us together for ten years of this..." I'm with Dylan. Great freakin' song.

8. Let's Go Jukin'
This cookin little number is Gary asking "good-lookin'" to accompany him out Jookin'. He knows a dive (no, really?) where they can "party" and dance. "Drink it up, baby let the good times roll!" She's a gamer too, tight dress and slathered in perfume. Excellent roadhouse piano solo as well.

9. Little Junior
Like his Daddy, in this song, Gary is 'no count'. (Of no account). A chip off the old block, he finds pleasure wherever he goes. Amongst his cravings listed within the lyrics of this song are "Tall naked women, diamonds, cars, old-age whiskey and all night bars..." He advises the local citizenry to "keep their daughters in the yard", as he has been to jail, is out on bail, and really doesn't care what kind of trouble he gets into. Also, "strange things happen when he's around." Why would he behave this way? Simply: "I'm only goin' through once, and I'm going through in style.."

10. Drinkin' Thing
Gary has "this drinkin' thing". Why? Well, his (younger) woman is carrying on. Gary thinks of asking her to tell him the truth about what she's been up to, but figures she'll probably tell him if he asks. So, he drinks.

11. Flat Natural Born Good-Timin' Man
Wherein Gary dons his Two-Tones, and heads down to Whiskey Row for some serious drinking with the free-wheelin' goodlookin' high heeled honies that are sure nuff a friend of a Flat Natural Born Good Timin' Man.

12. Stone Wall (Around Your Heart)
Here Gary covers a song by the fantastic Louvin Brothers. Someone once loved him, and now treats him like a stranger on the street. We'll take the drinking as a given.

13. She's Got a Drinking Problem
Gary tells us about a fashionable woman, with a taste for foreign cars. She eschews the bars, as she is too high class for that. But alas, she has a drinkin' problem. Guess who that is. "She's got a drinkin' problem, and it's me!" Despite his alcoholism, she sticks with him. "The one mistake she ever made comes home to her each night." At least he's faithful.

14. Single Again
Gary's Single Again. Why? His hot mama has taken up with a stranger new in town, with a black moustache and a red Cadillac. He's screwed. "Now he's got you, and I got two...divorce lawyers on my back..." Running to escape "the alimony man", Gary drifts from bar to bar, but runs into friends who remind him of her. So he's single again, and "livin from drink to drink."

15. She's Actin' Single (I'm Drinkin' Doubles)
Gary notices other men flirting with his woman, and notices her flirting back. "Acting single" as it were. So, "While she pours herself on some stranger, he pours himself a drink somewhere." This song is great, full of self-loathing and the realization that he's "not man enough to stop her from doin' him wrong". So, his heart is breaking, like the tiny bubbles. She's actin' single, he's drinkin' doubles.

16. Empty Glass (That's the Way the Day Ends)
This is actually a very nice ballad. The sweetest ballad you've ever heard where the singer admits to being "drunk again" in the first verse. He misses his lady so much. Every night he's in some bar, "pouring whiskey on a heart that's on fire..." It's fine that he rhymes "bar" with "fire". or "Fahr". Makes me love him even more. When I feel wronged in love, this is a song I often linger long over, with my own empty glass in front of me.

17. Quits
This is a great break-up song to close out the collection. An epitaph of a failing marriage, it goes:
"What do we call it now, it's not a marriage anymore.
Call it new and different, it's not like it was before
Out of all the words to choose from, there's only one that fits
Call it what you want to, I just call it 'Quits'."

Everyone who likes hardcore country music needs some Gary Stewart in their collection. This one, unfortunately, is out of print so you'll need to check used bins. Or, you can approximate it by purchasing the in-print "Essential Gary Stewart" which has most of the same tracks.

Sh*t Happens: Songs Of Everyday Life

2009-10-01T09:25:00.000-07:00

Today, in a run-down litter strewn part of the internet, I came across a country music compilation called "Shit Happens! Songs Of Everyday Life". Of course, I had to have it.

They should have called it "Shit Happens: Songs Of Everyday Life for REALLY UNLUCKY PEOPLE"

Viz:

1) Eddy Arnold tells the sad tale of a woman who ignores her baby's pleas of "Mommie Please Stay Home With Me" instead of going out a-drankin'. When she stumbles home later, the smell of booze on her breath and music still ringing in her ears, she finds the baby near death and feverish. The doctor comes, and looks sadly on as the little nipper in his fevered delirium repeats his plea for his mama to stay home. Then the baby dies. The mama feels bad.

2) Dolly Parton's kids need clothing, so she walks them down to the Goodwill store in the snow. She turns the corner and runs smack dab into Porter Wagoner, in the role of "Daddy", who is in the midst of begging for booze money. She tries to reverse course quickly, but the astute kids notice him, and say "Mama, Ain't That Daddy?". Then Porter takes over, and tells what it's like to spend your days drinking "Whiskey, wine and gin." Some cocktail.

3) In the first of many Hank Snow songs on this comp, Hank deals with an unruly child by sending him to bed early for his crimes. The child resists, saying "Don't Make Me Go To Bed Papa and I'll Be Good". But Hank stands firm. Later, Hank and the Missus check on him only to find him lying in bed in intense pain. They sit up with him all night and half the next day. He dies

4) George Hamilton IV (untanned ) George runs into "Little Tom" at an all-night diner, raggedy clothes and no shoes, selling papers to help the family survive because Daddy spends all the money on booze and "gets fired all the time" from his various jobs. The little fellow is still cheerful despite his lot in life. As the song ends, George asks "Little Tom, what will be your fate?"

5) Dolly Again---this time she's telling us about little Jeannie, who keeps asking to sleep with her parents, as she is afraid of the dark. They take her to visit relatives graves, where she remarks that if she were to die, please don't bury her because the dark of eternal death would make her afraid. Porter takes over the song, to tell us that guess what----Jeannie Died. On a dark stormy night. But her parents made sure to keep a light on her little grave because of her fears.

6) Hank Snow tells us the cheerful tale of "Little Blossom", who is wondering where her Daddy is one night, and hopes he's not in that "long place with glass bottles" that make him "stumble home at night". She decides to go find him, and unfortunately for her she does. In a drunken rage, Daddy bashes Little Blossom's brains in with a nearby chair.

7) Not content to let the matter rest, Hank recorded "The Answer To Little Blossom". Same story, but from the point of view of Daddy. It seems when she found him, the drink made him think he was seeing a demon meant to do him harm. Only after he smashes her head in with a chair does he realize its his little girl. If Hank recorded a third version of the song from the point of view of the chair, they didn't include it on this comp. Thankfully.

8) Hank Snow, three in a row. In "The Drunkard's Song", he tells of the time he "wandered into the dusty attic of an old tenement house" (who "just wanders" into a tenement attic?) where a sickly little boy lies in filth. He is hiding from his daddy, who just that morning beat him up. Daddy beat him because he would not steal. His mama, of course is dead. Hank runs off to get the boy some help, but when he returns, the boy is dead. That's his story anyway.

9) Guess what! Hank Snow! Hank, again, is "just passing by" an Orphanage, where he finds a boy crying because he's "Nobody's Child". No mama's kisses, no daddy's smiles. Nobody wants him. He's Nobody's child. The other orphans all get adopted, but he never gets picked. Why? Because he's blind, that's why.

10) Eddy Arnold returns with a cheerful tale of a little boy asking returning soldiers "Did You See My Daddy Over There?" In France, or the like. One of the soldiers, turns out, DID see his Daddy. He saw him shot and killed.

11) The Louvin Brothers are going off to war, and before they go, they say "Mother Thank You For The Bible". She gave them one to keep them company in the fox holes. They read it out loud so their buddies can enjoy the scriptures too. The Bible takes a bullet for one of them, and saves their lives. Perhaps the happiest ending in the collection.

12) What do you know, it's HANK SNOW! In "The Blind Boy's Dog", Hank tells us about a blind boy giving up his dog for the war effort. I guess to lead blind soldiers into battle. They get a telegram from Uncle Sam that the dog has been killed in action. The blind boy begs the government to send his dog's body back home so he can bury him.

13) Hal Lone Pine and Betty Cody sing "O Lord Please Tell Me Why", about a little girl crying at her mother's grave, wondering why God took her away. Leaving a small child all alone. With no guardian to prevent her from crying her eyes out all day long at the gravesite.

14) Ted Harris sings "Pickin' Flowers" about a little girl picking flowers on the roadside. He stops to help her. Turns out her little brother is "awful sick, and the doctor says he's gonna die" He's her only playmate. Her mother says that "God wants another fresh flower for his bouquet" hoping it will explain why the child is dying. The little girl is picking flowers in the hope that God will like her flowers well enough to spare the little brother. I hate to tell her...

15) A duet with Webb Pierce and Red Sovine, "Little Rosa". Guy sees a man kneeling at a grave, weeping. He's an illegal. In broken English, he tells Red and Webb (doing a very bad vaudeville Italian accent) "he looka at her with one bigga smile..." that he got the flower at a cut rate because the flower shop lady found out he was going to put it on his little girl's grave. He said "Tenk you, boss---tenka you very much..." I shit you not.

16) Jim Reeves learns that "Mother Went A-Walkin'" In the same sense as a dog one's parents don't want is "now living on a big farm in the country..."

17) Johnny Cash doing the classic "Give My Love To Rose". Guy lying by the side of the road, nearly dead, asks passerby to tell his wife and kid he loves them. Dies. The usual.

18) Webb Pierce tells us the story of "The Hobo And The Rose". Guy falls in love with a rich girl, who's daddy disapproves and marries her off to a more suitable mate. Jilted guy becomes a Hobo. Wears a single rose on his jacket to remind him of the woman. Comes back to his hometown after some years, to find the woman has five kids. He gets run over by a train.

19) Red Foley does his hit "Old Shep". "Just a boy and his dog...." For me, the dog owner, this was the one that choked me up. Dogs should outlive us. Shep, of course, does not. "Jim", the owner, goes to shoot him in the head with his gun, but can't do it. Instead, he sits down and puts Shep's head in his lap. Shep, knowing he's dying, licks the guy's hand. Then he goes "where the good doggies go".

20) Hal Lone Pine and Betty Cody. "Dear Sister". In the form of a letter to a beloved sister. The beloved sister, when they were children, would either steal or break the other sister's toys. She was also smarter, and presumably prettier. Later, the "Dear Sister", not content with the memory of toy breaking and humiliation, decides that she should steal the now grown sister's man. She does.

21) Johnny Horton, later to be decapitated for real in a horrific road accident, tells us the sad story of the woman who learns that "Another Woman Wears His Wedding Ring". Johnny meets this girl in a honky tonk, and wonders why she's getting hammered. Turns out that her man, who fathered her child, left her for someone new. Now she has no future. To top it off, the kid looks just like the daddy. So, she's drinking. Wouldn't you?

22) Perhaps my favorite Porter Wagoner song comes next. "The Cold Hard Facts Of Life" was the name of Porter's hit, as well as the album that contained it. The cover art is priceless, with Porter standing forlornly in a doorway, one hand on the doorway and the other holding a cigarette and a suitcase (Or bowling ball) while a surprised couple looks at him from the sofa. The song is even better. Porter has been away on business, and decides to "surprise the wife" by not calling to say he's coming home early. He stops to get some booze, and the guy in front of him in line is talking about a party he's going to at this woman's house who's husband is out of town. Porter thinks nothing of it, until he notices that the guy's car is heading for his neighborhood, and even worse, pulls into his driveway. Porter decides to teach them "The Cold Hard Facts Of Life" by murdering them both. With a knife.

23) Ed Bruce gives us "Tiny Golden Locket" about a little boy going into a bar, clutching a Tiny Golden Locket. It contains a picture of a woman. Turns out it's his mommy, and has Ed Bruce seen her? She's all he's got in life. Ed sadly watches the kid leave the bar, and then hears the squeal of brakes. He runs out to find the boy has been killed by a car while crossing the street. The best part? The driver was his mother.

24) If there's one thing I love, it's the Country Music Recitation. Porter Wagoner was the best at this, but other guys tried it. Ferlin Husky gives it a shot with "Drunken Driver". Sad, twangy violins accompany the spoken word account of how a couple of kids, who had a hard life because their daddy R-U-N-N-O-F-T to spend his time drankin' and carryin' on, and their mama died. As they're walking along the state highway, they are killed by drunk driver, who has the presence of mind to yell out at them before he hits them "Git outta the road, you little fools...." Turns out the driver is....Daddy. The little girl is killed instantly, but the son lives long enough to say "I always told sister we'd see you again, Daddy---why'd it have to be this way? How come you run us to the ground? Why Daddy? Why?" This might be the most over the top one in the collection. A keeper for sure.

25) We close out the collection with Porter's classic "Carrol County Accident", where his cheatin' daddy is killed in a car accident with the woman he's cheating with. I think they should have ended the collection with the previous number, Drunken Driver. But maybe that's just me.

All in all, this is the kind of collection that needs to be heard to be believed. Two enthusiastic thumbs way way up.

For further reference, here's that Porter cover:

It's only been about two years.

2009-06-11T23:55:00.000-07:00

Coming soon---the adventure continues.

R.I.P. Shooter

2007-06-24T15:31:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite Giants of all time (indeed beloved by many fans) passed away yesterday, far too young. Rod Beck, the Giants closer in their 103 win year of 1993, died at his home in Phoenix at the age of 38.

He had a wicked split finger fastball at the start of his career, and when he didn't have that anymore he got his saves with only guts and guile.

Fans identified with him because it was obvious how much he loved to play the game, and his physique was more like a fan's than a ballplayer's.

He had some personal demons, and perhaps they led to his death way too young, but when he spent his summers in San Francisco in the mid 90s, he exemplified Laughing Larry Doyle's timeless quote: "It's great to be young and a Giant..."

RIP Shooter. St. Peter will probably go through a pack of cigarettes the first time you try to close out the home half of the ninth up in Heaven, but you'll close it out.

If you're wondering where the Giants posts are...

2007-06-18T16:48:00.000-07:00

I can't think of anything good to say about them right now. I still listen to every game on the radio, but it takes a lot out of me.

He Loves Yo: Trembling Wilb'ry

2007-06-13T19:13:00.000-07:00

"Dirty world, a dirty world, it's a f*****g dirty world..."

Rhino Records has just released the entire Travelling Wilburys collection. This set contains both of the TW's CDs as well as a DVD which includes a documentary about the making of the first album as well as all the promotional videos (As seen on MTV). What a strange supergroup this was---A Beatle , a 60s legend who wasn't selling many records anymore, The Voice Of A Generation,, and an amiable Florida rocker who rose to fame during the "new wave" era of the late 70s with hits like "American Girl" and "Breakdown" and the guy from ELO.
Starring Nelson Wilbury as George Harrison, Lucky Wilbury as Bob Dylan, Lefty Wilbury as Roy Orbison, Charlie T. Wilbury Jr. as Tom Petty, and Otis Wilbury as Jeff Lynne.

How in the heck did THIS happen? Well, apparently by happy accident. Harrison invites Petty to head up to Dylan's house in LA one night. They go pick up some guitars from Jeff Lynne's place, and Jeff tags along as well. By the end of the evening, the idea for the band came about, and Dylan and Roy Orbison were on board as well... Petty tells a story of he and George Harrison speeding down Ventura Boulevard giddy like kids looking at each other and saying "Can you BELIEVE it? ROY ORBISON's in our band!!!"

Due to Dylan having to tour, time was of the essence. They got together at Dave Stewart's LA House, wrote, and recorded all the songs there. Jeff Lynne says that from the first rehearsal to the finishing touches of production took six weeks. And what an album it was! And all it was was a bunch of friends getting together to make music and have fun. You can feel it when you listen. Dylan's contributions are great---a hilarious Springsteen knock-off called "Tweeter And The Monkey Man" and "Congratulations", a midtempo ballad which uses group vocals on the choruses, as does most of the album. He takes a playful vocal turn on "Dirty World", another great moment of the disc. The highlight of this song is the Wilburys trading nonsense lyrics culled from a stack of magazines in the studio. Throughout the disc you get beautiful guitar fills from George, and those ethereal Roy Orbison vocals, who went out of this world with a rekindled career and a new generation of fans---this CD, a guest-star filled HBO special and album called "Black & White Night", and his "Mystery Girl" CD were released shortly before his death of a massive heart attack. Twelve years later, we would lose George Harrison to cancer. In retrospect, my favorite Beatle. On a side note, I think that Harrison's "All Things Must Pass" is the best of all the Beatles post fab-four careers.

But I digress...After Orbison's death, the Wilburys skipped Volume 2 and went straight on to Volume 3. This doesn't have Orbison or the same magic, but the more I listen to it, the better I like it. This time around, they changed their names, too. Spike Wilbury/George Harrison, Boo Wilbury/Bob Dylan, Muddy Wilbury/Tom Petty and Clayton Wilbury/ Jeff Lynne.

Both Volume 1 and Volume 3 contain a couple of unreleased tracks, polished for this release by adding overdubs by one Ayrton Wilbury, aka George's son Dhani Harrison.

The sound is crisp, the memories are sweet, and both CDs have long been out of print. A must for any fan. The Rhino site charges too much---Try Amazon.

So Long, Blue Eyes

2007-06-02T09:55:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite actors, Paul Newman, has announced his retirement from films at the age of 82. He cited eroding skills due to aging. Oh, well. What a fine career to look back on.

Iconic films like "The Hustler", "Hud", "Cool Hand Luke", "Absence Of Malice", and one from my top ten favorites of all time--"Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid".

I actually met him once, on the street in New Orleans when I was walking to work---he too was at work, waiting to be called to the set of "Blaze", a forgotten film in which he played Earl Long, Huey Long's loony brother who courted a stripper. We passed a few pleasantries, and shook hands. He seemed like a genuinely nice man. So he probably is.

He didn't live in Hollywood, he didn't bed-hop. When asked why he wasn't big on committing adultery, Newman's response was "Why go out for hamburger when you have steak at home?" Next year he and Joanne Woodward celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. And it seemed that the older he got, the better looking he got. His philanthropy and charity is well known. Somebody Up There Likes Him.

I do too. Enjoy your retirement, Blue Eyes. I'll see you every time I dress my salad...

Reasons To Be Cheerful #254

2007-05-31T21:56:00.000-07:00

852. Although the Giants fell to the Mets 4-2, they managed to pawn off shell-shocked fat not-much-of-a-closer Armando Benitez on the Florida Marlins in exchange for a fat guy named Randy Messenger. Randy Messenger---sounds like a chat tool on an adult dating site. Not that I'd know anything about that. Anyway, had the Giants announced they'd traded Benitez for a couple of Cuban Sandwiches from some street cart in Miami, I'd have been happy. That they were able to land another pitcher in exchange is icing on the cake. And so my friend Q in NYC had the honor of seeing Armando Benitez' last appearance ever as a member of the San Francisco Giants---that stinkified meltdown of Tuesday night. Benitez, GONE. The end of an error. In retrospect, a horrendous signing. But I was for it at the time. Benitez had just come off a great come-back year with the Marlins when the Giants signed him to a three year deal, but I guess closing games in Florida is not a pressure situation. He hurt himself the first week of his Giants career, finally came back to being completely healthy this year, but turned out to be a cancerous malcontent in the clubhouse, pushing blame on anyone but himself for his troubles, and becoming a lightning rod for fan discontent. It cracks me up that so many people see Bonds as a cancer when there are guys like Benitez who really ARE cancers. List of people other than sportswriters who have said Bonds is a bad team-mate:

1) Jeff Kent

I can't think of anyone else. And if anyone would know a lousy team-mate, it would be Jeff Kent. He sees one in the mirror every day.

853. I just got my copy of Richard Thompson's new CD , called Sweet Warrior.

It is bleeding fantastic, nearly all-electric, and chock full of great songs. So far, it's my favorite album of the year, and that's saying something. I highly recommend it. Highly.

854. James Bond. I came into possession of a collection of four box sets, containing the first 20 James Bond films, each with a bonus disc of extra material. I have rediscovered my love for all things Bond. Or, most things Bond. Some of the Roger Moore outings are pretty painful to watch. And the box sets are all mixed up, as in not chronological. I guess they didn't want anyone to be able to get "just the good ones". But in retrospect, much-maligned George Lazenby's only Bond outing, "On Her Majesty's Secret Service", is a pretty damned good film. Better than most of the Roger Moore ones in my opinion. The only thing missing from these sets is "Casino Royale" (the new one, not the spoof---which isn't really in the Bond genre) and the "unauthorized" Sean Connery comeback "Never Say Never Again". This was a rogue production, not part of the licensed Cubby Brocolli franchise. It's just a remake of "Thunderball".
Still, I've got to have it if I'm a completist, and it's only ten bucks at Fry's. Maybe next week.
Incidentally, I think that Daniel Craig is a fantastic Bond. On par with Connery. Here is my personal list, in order, of the Best Bonds. (Well, besides Barry)

1) Sean Connery
2) Daniel Craig
3) Pierce Brosnan
4) Timothy Dalton
5) George Lazenby
6) Roger Moore

I DO like some of the Moore Bonds, like "Octopussy" and even the universally hated "Moonraker".

I've also ordered the first five Bond novels from Amazon. I hope the obsession ends soon :)

Now THAT'S how you close out a game.

2007-05-30T18:41:00.000-07:00

The Giants won tonight 3-0 over the New York Mets. Some early runs through the timely hitting of Peter Happy and Rich Aurilia (breaking out of a killer slump), seven shut-out innings from Barry Gazillioinaire, and 1-2-3 eight and ninth innings by Jack Taschner and Brad Hennessey, who got the save.

I think last night's jaw-dropping meltdown by Armando Benitez might mark the end of his days as the Giants' closer. Benitez wasted no time in killing the Giants hopes when he came in to pitch the bottom of the ninth. Walked the leadoff guy, Reyes, known as an instant double. Instant courtesy of Armando, last night. Balk. Runner advances to second. Grounder to the right side, runner advances to third. One out, runner on third. Infield in, grounder to second. Runner holds. Two out. Giants one out away from victory. Balk! The runner scores. Reyes danced around on third and Benitez broke his motion. The oldest trick in the book, and one EVERY closer shouldn't fall for. It came as a surprise to no one at Shea or those of us listening at home that the next batter would crush a walk-off homerun off the rattled closer. BOOM. Bang goes the tie, bang goes the game. A friend of mine who went to the game last night (A Mets fan AND a Red Sox fan, but I still like him) was elated. He'd watched Benitez blow many a game for the Mets, and as soon as Armando came in, his hopes soared sky high. In fact, when one fan dispaired near him, Q turned to him and said "Hey--Benitez is pitching. This one is far from over." Good job, Kreskin. You called that one for frickin' sure.

Anyway, tonight before the game it was announced that Armando has a knee injury. I call bullshit for two reasons. One, I watched the ninth inning last night. He looked like he had his pitches, and he was laughing and grinning when the inning started. The only people hurting their knees last night were Giants fans who may have hit them forcefully while praying to God that Benitez wouldn't be Benitez. Two, this is standard-issue chicanery from the Giants office. Whenever a move needs to be made and they don't have options or wiggle room to work with, someone magically gets hurt and sent to the Disabled List. Someone on the Giants message board I frequent called it LAST NIGHT. Sure enough, it comes to pass. Benitez unavailable tonight due to "bad knee". Maybe the front office wants to give Benitez a chance to grow a pair (a pair being required equipment for a closer). Maybe they want to give Henny or Ortiz a chance to close a game or two. Russ Ortiz was a closer in the minors. Hennessey did the job tonight. He hasn't been consistently good, but bringing Armando into a game is telling the other team that you want them to go ahead and win it. So it was nice to beat a good team tonight. Without Benitez in there to make things "interesting".

GOOD NEWS: The Nervous Red Dog had his follow-up vet appointment today and as I expected, the Vet was VERY pleased with the way he's healing. Yesterday he ate like a pig, and today he chased the cat around the house for a few minutes. His wounds are still ugly though. But he gets his many stitches out next week, and then we just have to wait for his hair to grow back.

Today Is Memorial Day

2007-05-28T10:44:00.000-07:00

Today is Memorial Day, and my thoughts turn to the brave men and women putting themselves in harm's way by serving in our armed forces. I pray that they keep safe from harm, and return to the families and friends who love them. I pray for those families who have lost their soldiers, and whose lives are changed forever by the horrors of war.
Come home soon, and come home safe.

One of my favorite poems is actually a song lyric written by an Australian singer-songwriter named Eric Bogle. The poem, or song, is variously titled "No Man's Land", "The Green Fields Of France", or "The Flowers Of The Forest". It is told from the point of view of a man visiting the vast cemetery in Flanders Field in France, a World War One battlefield...

"No Man's Land" by Eric Bogle

Well how d'you do Private William MacBride

Do you mind if I sit here down by your graveside

I'll rest for a while in the warm summer sun

I've been walking all day and I'm nearly done

I can see by your gravestone you were only nineteen

When you joined the glorious fallen in nineteen-sixteen

Well I hope you died quick and I hope you died clean

Or Willie MacBride was it slow and obscene

Did they bang the drum slowly

Did they sound the fife lowly

Did the rifles fire o'er ye as they lowered you down

Did the bugles sing the Last Post and Chorus

Did the pipes play The Flowers of the Forest

Did you leave a wife or a sweetheart behind

In some loyal heart is your memory enshrined

And though you died back in nineteen-sixteen

To that loyal heart are you always nineteen

Or are you a stranger without even a name

Forever enshrined behind some glass pane

In an old photograph torn and tattered and stained

And fading to yellow in a brown leather frame

Did they bang the drum slowly

Did they sound the fife lowly

Did the rifles fire o'er ye as they lowered you down

Did the bugles sing The Last Post And Chorus

Did the pipes play the Flowers of the Forest

The sun's shining now on these green fields of France

The warm wind blows gently and the red poppies dance

The trenches have vanished long under the plough

No gas and no barbed wire, no guns firing now

But here in this graveyard it's still no man's land

The countless white crosses in mute witness stand

To man's blind indifference to his fellow man

And a whole generation that were butchered and damned

Did they bang the drum slowly

Did they sound the fife lowly

Did the rifles fire o'er ye as they lowered you down

Did the bugles sing The Last Post And Chorus

Did the pipes play the Flowers of the Forest

And I can't help but wonder now Willie MacBride

Do all those who lie here know why they died

Did you really believe them when they told you the cause

Did you really believe that this war would end wars

Well the suffering the sorrow the glory the shame

The killing the dying it was all done in vain

For Willie MacBride it all happened again

And again and again and again and again

Did they bang the drum slowly

Did they sound the fife lowly

Did the rifles fire o'er ye as they lowered you down

Did the bugles sing The Last Post and Chorus

Did the pipes play The Flowers of the Forest...

Nervous Red Dog Severely Injured!

2007-05-26T14:24:00.000-07:00

I hate for my first post in awhile to be a bummer, but I almost lost The Nervous Red Dog yesterday. We were at the dog park---getting ready to leave actually, when the NRD was set upon by a pit-boxer mix whose owner was not big enough to control him. The dog was un-neutered , which always seems to create drama at the dog park either from its own actions or the reactions of neutered dogs to unneutered males.

I try to keep Chester (the NRD's name) away from them because I know he is liable to start something with an un-neutered male. In this case, some mutual posturing escalated into snarls, and then a full-on attack. Chester went down pretty quick, and was belly-up, backed up against a fence with his underside exposed to this big-headed beast. The dog went for Chester's neck but missed and grabbed onto his shoulder and front arm instead. He tore a huge wound in Chester's armpit. I ended up on the ground keeping the attacker away from Chet as best I could.

When the fracas was over, I could hear what I thought was a small dog squealing. I thought another dog had gotten in the middle of it, but it was actually the Nervous Red Dog, scared and in pain. I inspected him and found a few puncture marks, but when I rolled him over I found the hideous wound to his armpit, which was so big I could see his musculature underneath the skin. Luckily for us, there is an emergency animal clinic not far from this particular dog park, and I rushed him over there immediately. (I want to thank the gentleman who assisted me in getting to my car while carrying my 60+ pound dog by opening the gate and fishing my keys out of my front pocket to unlock my car. You were a great help and I appreciate it immensely) .

The vet was able to see him immediately, and confirmed my fear that he needed surgery to repair the damage. For a guy without a job and limited savings, it wasn't the best news I'd heard in awhile. Add to that the possibility that he'd lose his leg and I was pretty much in shock. So I had to leave him there while I did things like go clean out my savings to get the cost of the treatment and go home alone.

They also kept postponing his surgery for a few hours, which made for even more nervousness on my part. Originally, he was to go in at noon, then they changed it to four, then six. Finally about ten PM the doctor called me with the results. He got to keep his leg, and got all stitched up. Cost----two month's rent and then some. Of course there was no question that I'd pay it, even if I had to sell the car or rob a liquor store or something. I don't know who felt more alone last night, me or him. I think it was me, as he was flying high on some very good (and expensive) doggie drugs.

All this experience taught me was that I'm going to be a real wreck if The Nervous Red Dog decides to leave the planet before I do.

So now we are home, and the poor guy looks pitiful. He's got to wear that awful "Elizabethan Collar", that cone thing that keeps him from worrying the wound. Two weeks. He's got to eat several pills twice a day, and I've got to keep his wound clean and dry. He is under house arrest for a couple of weeks too, except for brief forays into the neighborhood to answer nature's call.

On top of all that, he's shaved around his shoulder area on his right front leg, so not only is his funny looking pink skin showing, but he's got a lot of stitchwork to admire. Think Karloff in Frankenstein (Universal, 1931). The vet says that he should be good as new in a few weeks, so that's something to be thankful for. Plus he's home, miserable as he is. And even a house with a dog that's not feeling very good is better than a house with no dog at all.

Holy Sh*t!!!

2007-05-13T15:49:00.000-07:00

Today Giants rookie Fred Lewis, called up to replace Todd Linden on the roster, had five hits. Two singles, a double, a triple, and a homerun. He became the first Giants rookie to hit for the cycle since Dave Kingman did it in 1971.

On top of that, Matt Cain righted himself after two rocky starts, going six innings and giving up only one run in the Giants 15-2 drubbing of the Colorado Rockies in Denver. It's been a long time since the Giants were the drubber and not the drubee, so this felt great.

On top of THAT, the lineup was chock full of backups. No Bonds, No Aurilia, No Molina, No Randy Winn. Rookie Kevin Frandsen had four hits, Pete Happy got two RBI doubles, Omar and Eliezer Alfonzo had three hits each, and rookie Dan Ortmeier had two hits. Even Matt Cain got a solid single. 15 runs on 22 hits. I hope they saved some for Houston Tuesday. I betcha Freddie Lewis is in the lineup, too.

Reasons To Be Cheerful Part 253

2007-05-12T10:49:00.000-07:00

843. Since last I posted, Barry Bonds has hit two more homeruns to reach 745, putting him a mere ten behind Hank "Include Me Out" Aaron. Should be just a few weeks away now, considering the way Bonds has been playing. It is my fervent hope that during the AB when he hits it, he manages to line a foul ball into the stands, where it hits one of the morons observing the "Turn Your Back On Barry" protest squarely in the back of their head. And ricochets off and hits another bozo with his back turned. My friend Q, the Bosox' Man In Brooklyn, does not feel the same way about Barry as I do, but as a friend, I don't wish it to be HIM that gets the foul off the noggin. As he suggests, we'll just agree to disagree.

844. Benjie Molina has solidified his role as the most clutch hitter on the Giants not named Bonds. It's almost automatic now that if Benjie comes up with a man in scoring position and with two out, that run is coming home somehow.

845. Omar, if he participates in a DP tonight, becomes the Shortstop Who's Participated In The Most Double Plays In History. When he signed with the Giants, many fans groaned, thinking the Giants overpaid for an athlete whose skills were clearly in decline----in other words, the usual Giants free-agent acquisition. Instead, he wows us every night with his flashy glove. And his bat is starting to come around at last this season , after his great year at the plate last season.

846. Tim Lincecum won his first big league game in his second attempt. Tim's the rookie phenom that everyone says is a Can't Miss Guy. He faltered in his much ballyhooed ML debut last week, but overcame some blunders by himself and others to hang on last night long enough for the Giants bats to awaken, and awaken they did. He acquired the nickname "Seabiscuit" due to his unorthodox but effective delivery, I guess because the horse ran funny but won. I think it's a lame nickname myself. Calling a grown-ass man a nickname that includes any variation of "Biscuit" is just asking for trouble.

847. The Cruel Axe Of Reality fell on the career of another aging Giants prospect. Todd Linden got his pink slip a week after another CAN-miss prospect, Lance Niekro got deep sixed. No team bit on the waivers, so Lance is already back in Fresno. I expect Linden will meet the same fate, and return to his level of competence, AAA. With Dave Roberts hitting the DL at the same time as Linden's cut, the Giants recalled two rooks from Fresno, Dan Ortmeier and Freddie Lewis. Both already have more pizazz than Linden and Niekro.

848. I received a spam email this morning that had a VERY intriguing subject line. Of course I didn't open it, but I had to give it points for ingenuity. Even better, if it was a random choice of words some spam-bot strung together....

"I Am No More A Blasphemer Than The Father Of Cybernetics, Weiner"

849. I found a sealed copy of Sinead O'Connor's 2003 reggae album, "Lay Down Your Arms", in a box of promos I got from my old job. At the time I got it, I was into something else, so this fell through the cracks. Sinead does reggae? How good could it be, right? Well, the answer is bloody fantastic. It's produced by Sly & Robbie, and Sinead's voice is perfect for the reggae classics she chose. Burning Spear's "Marcus Garvey", The Abyssinians "Y Mas Gan" , Lee Perry's "Curly Locks" and "Vampire" are all wonderful renditions of great songs. I can't recommend it enough.

850. I finally have some good news on the employment front, and could be back in Da Game within a weeks time.

851. Our weather has been perfect---days in the 80s, and gorgeous nights where the Nervous Red Dog and I can sit outside in front of the hovel and watch the club kids heading for J street, old folks from the seniors complex down the alley, and of course dog walkers from all walks of life, walking dogs who threaten to pee all over teh NRD's favorite spots. Makes for much drama.

Reasons To Be Cheerful Part #252

2007-05-04T21:48:00.000-07:00

1) The Giants came from behind to beat the Phillies 6-2 in exciting fashion.
2) I really love it when a bone-headed, pants-wetting manager such as Charlie "Thanks Q" Manuel of the Phillies orders Barry Bonds walked with two outs and the bases empty while his team trails by a run. Then pinch-hitter Mark Sweeney singled, Feliz walked (another miracle) to load the bases, and then Omar, mired in a slump, singles up the middle to drive in two runs. Durham singled next, driving in Feliz for another two-out, three run rally. Thanks Chuck!
3) Little used back-up catcher EliezerAlfonzo knocked in the first three Giants runs with a bases loaded pinch double. Alfonzo appears to be making the most of his chances to play, knocking out three hits in yesterday's 9-7 loss to Philly after he'd come in to rest Benjie Molina. Eliezer was a good story last year too, when he came out of nowhere to take over for Mike Matheny, who's career was ended by one too many foul tips off the mask. Alfonzo filled in admirably, and I was kind of surprised he wasn't given a chance to keep the job, but I guess the team felt a little timid to give it to a journeyman, aging minor leaguer. Oh well, for now he's one of two very good catchers on the Giants roster.
4) Although it doesn't really make me cheerful, Lance Niekro was designated for assignment tonight, meaning he shouldn't be an annoyance to me any more. Maybe he'll clear waivers and regroup in Fresno, maybe not.
5) Armando Benitez pitched the ninth tonight, even though it was too big a lead for a save, and retired the Phils in order after missing a chance Wednesday by being out with a sore knee.

6) My favorite non-Giant in the league, Julio Franco, broke his own record tonight. He AGAIN became the oldest man to hit a homerun in MLB history at 48. He hit it off of another over-40 dude, rat faced, mullet-headed grouchy grouch Randy Johnson. Julio, just two years younger than I. Maybe I can still have a major league career.
Old Man Ribbie

Barry, Barry, Benjie and The Baby Bull

2007-05-02T22:15:00.000-07:00

The ageless Barry Bonds lined his 9th homerun of the season tonight in the Giants 5-3 win over The Rockies.

Bonds hit his 743rd career bomb, a laser beam into the right field arcade, and as Jon Miller said on the broadcast tonight "The ball was in the hands of the guy who caught it before they heard the crack of the bat." In the eighth, with the Rockies leading 3-2, the Giants managed to load the bases for Barry Bonds. Sitting at home listening to the radio, I could actually hear Rox pitcher Manny Corpus wetting his pants. Bonds lined a single past Todd Helton to put the Giants ahead 4-3. Building a team around a 42 year old man with surgically repaired knees seemed like such a stupid idea before the season started. But Bonds is no shadow of his former self, he IS his former self. Simply amazing.

Barry Zito had some trouble tonight. He's one of those frustrating guys who throws a LOT of pitches, five and six pitch atbats for almost every batter. He's still a good pitcher, because a lot of those high-pitch AB result in outs, but tonight he went out after Bonds' HR gave him a 2-0 lead and gave those two runs right back. But he managed to go seven innings without giving up any more than those two.

I also have to talk about the catching situation. The Giants over the last few years have had some great guys catching--Benito "Let Me Tell You Songteen" Santiago, Mike Matheny and current backup Eliezer Alphonzo...but I think Benjie Molina may be my favorite. He's been clutch at the bat. Tonight he got a hit in the eighth to drive in an insurance run, something he seems to do whenever he's given a chance. And he's great for the pitchers. In a post game interview, Brad Hennessey said that before the final out, Benjie told him "Here's what's going to happen. I'm going to call for a fastball, you're going to throw it on the outside, and we'll get him to hit it to the big part of the ballpark." Benjie called fastball, Hennessey pitched it on the black, and Troy Tulowitzki hit a high fly ball to Randy Winn in right to end the game. If that doesn't build trust, nothing does. I love Benjie Molina. Platonically of course.

In the news tonight we learn Giants Hall of Famer Orlando Cepeda, the Baby Bull, got popped tonight in beautiful Cordelia, California speeding along the freeway burning a fat one, while holding some white powder. I myself have in the rather recent past blown through Cordelia while smoking a joint, but I didn't speed and I surely wasn't holding any powdered drugs. Bad judgment on Cha-Cha's part. But I still love the big, semi-ambulatory lug. Platonically of course.

Stinky Stinky Stinkity Stink

2007-05-01T23:09:00.000-07:00

Q: What's the difference between a concrete road pylon and Lance Niekro?

A: The road pylon is faster, and is a better judge of pitches.

I'd ask another question of Bruce Bochy, Giants manager. And I'll add a follow-up 1) Why do you feel the need to carry five or six first basemen on the day-to-day roster? (Follow-up) Why is Lance Niekro one of them?

I exaggerate of course. The Giants carry a mere four first basemen. Aurilia, who can play any infield position but was signed to play first, Sweeney and Klesko, who can play first base and left field, and Niekro, who can play first base. Adequately. Put a bat in his hands, and you're just plain wasting his time and yours. Apart from the signing of Feliz one day after Aurilia signed, keeping Niekro on the team was the stupidest move of the offseason. "But he was out of options!" his relatives cry. As if he wouldn't have cleared waivers. And I know the fans bitch and moan about the Giants not developing any position players in their farm system that become good Major Leaguers, but pinning that hope on Lance Niekro is a forlorn hope. You can't develop a quality major league player by letting him play in the minors until he's pushing thirty, then stick him on the Major League roster and hope that even though he has never given you a reason to believe he would not suck, he won't suck.

And even though I know he gets paid to do it, and is much better at it than me or any other fan, I was scratching my head over Bochy's management of the final Giants at bats. The Giants, down by two, had the top of the order up in the bottom of the ninth. They need at least one baserunner to get to Bonds. Wow, Dave Roberts is leading off. Pesky Dave Roberts. A guy that can work a pitcher for a walk, bunt for a hit, that kind of thing. Wrong. Pinch Hit for Roberts with Todd Linden, another fifty year old Giants prospect who is only slighty less frustrating than Niekro. Now I'll give Bochy a little benefit of the doubt--maybe Roberts tweaked a hammy or something. But damn. Linden. If you like your pinch hitters of the "flail away cluelessly" variety, Linden's a good choice. Especially if you're saving Niekro to pinch strikeout later. So, Linken strikes out. Omar, in a slump, can't get on either, but at least he lined one to left that Holliday had to dive for. Maybe Klesko can work a walk out of Rockies closer Brian Fuentes, so Bonds, hitting .800 over his career against Fuentes, can either have a swing or be walked intentionally putting the tying run on base. Giants fans, I gots good news and bad news for you. The Good news is Barry's on deck. The bad news is that Lance Niekro is at the plate. Suh-WISH!

Russ Ortiz suffered a setback with this start, retiring in the fourth after giving up eight runs on nine hits. Let's hope he just suffered some pre-game head trauma and hasn't reverted to the pitcher the Diamondbacks know and love. The bully did their job, giving up only one more run in the five innings after Russ' departure. And the Giants scored seven times. That's huge for them.

I love the Giants and hate to pick 'villains' on the club. But man I am tired of Lance Niekro. And there's only one first base. Why do the Giants need four guys for the job? In case the first three go down? Maybe a middle infielder would be nice. Because who's the backup for second base, third, and short? Aurilia, who usually starts at first. Feliz could back up the infielders too, but he's already playing third usually. Gotta have those two extra first sackers though. Oy.

Your final from La Belle Pacifique: Colorado 9, San Francisco 7

Win streak ends at one.

Back on Track. New win streak at ONE.

2007-05-01T09:26:00.000-07:00

The Giants got back to winning with some help from the Colorado Rockies last night, winning a sloppy one by a day-shift. (9 to 5) Noah Lowry recovered after a rough start to get the win, and the Giants got a lift from the bat of Pedro Feliz, who crushed one in the first to give the Giants a 5-1 lead. Feliz to me is the most frustrating of Giants. He never met a pitch he didn't like, and was the intended target of the "Brain Dead Carribean Hitters Who Hack At Slop Nightly" controversy last year.

But he makes game-saving plays at third base and is by all accounts a friendly, likeable chap. And when he goes on a tear, he looks like a major league power hitter. The Giants must see something in him---they keep resigning him. Maybe it will all work out for the Giants.

He's got more homeruns so far than any Giant not named Bonds. Good on ya, Pete Happy. Keep taking me by surprise.

The Man Who Hated Northern California

2007-05-01T08:37:00.000-07:00

It seems the Warriors fans (and indeed most of the Bay Area) are up in arms over certain comments by TNT's NBA commentator Charles Barkley. Apparently, he said such things as that he'd rather sleep on Alcatraz Island than in Oakland or San Francisco. Even took a shot at quaint little Sausalito. He left out Berkeley, maybe because he's heard that the British pronounce it "Barkley". "Teh Horror!" as we used to say on the old ESPN Giants Board.

As a Kings fan, my team and my town have been on the receiving end of many a Chuck tirade over the years, along the lines of cowtown, backwoods, yada yada yada. And I think he once said "Say something positive about THIS place? OK. It's positively a dump." I don't think I've ever gotten mad about it. I got more upset when two chuckleheaded Sacramento DJs decided it would be great fun to call Chuck's Sacramento hotel room in the wee small hours during a Suns visit some years back. I thought that that was pretty bush league. Interestingly enough, I didn't mind at all when some room service chef (allegedly) spiked Kobe Bryant's burger and made him sick.

I don't mind any of this because I think Charles Barkley is one of the funniest non-professional comedians on the planet. I've NEVER seen him serious--unless he's actually talking about the game of basketball. He just plain makes me laugh, and that's a trait I value highly. Hell, he even talks smack about himself sometimes.

Here are some of my favorite Barkley moments.

After getting into an altercation in a bar with a drunk who wanted to pick a fight with him, in which he threw the guy through a window, Chuck was asked by a reporter if he had any regrets about the incident. "Yes, " replied Chuck. "I regret that we were on the first floor."
"You know it's going to hell when the best rapper out there is white and the best golfer is black."
"I was thinking about suing her for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character.
"Sometimes that light at the end of a tunnel is a train."
"Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit them back. Even if it does look like they haven't eaten in a while."
"I know they say it alot about brothers, but I guarantee you everybody in Finland looks alike."
Ernie: "Charles, what's the problem with the Knicks right now?" Charles: "They're no good."
"It's kinda great to see the Celtics doing well again. That was so much fun in my day to go to the Boston Garden and they spit at you and throw things at you and talk about your mom. It's just like dinner at Kenny Smith's house."

Maybe what I like best about Chuck is that during this latest San Francisco/Oakland controversy, one of his lines was "You know how bad it is? I like Sacramento better than BOTH of those cities...."

I took the weekend off. So did the Giants.....

2007-04-30T13:23:00.000-07:00

I guess I shouldn't have been so cocky posting that broom after the Dodgers series---The Giants ended up on the wrong end of it this weekend:

Diamondbacks swept the three game series. Zito pitched well enough to win, Cain was excellent, and Morris was good until the Hudson hit yesterday. The bullpen was a study in suck. The Lord Bonds Almighty got a homerun, and was walked a hundred and fifty seven times. Or so it seemed.

I drove to the coast this weekend, just for a few hours. The Nervous Red Dog would have preferred to race along the sand untethered, but the North Coast beaches are on-leash only. Such is the case at Goat Rock State Beach, a particularly beautiful place a little north of Bodega Bay. Had there been less of a crowd, I'm afraid I would have broken this rule. (I'm talking plain sand here, not bird habitats or anything) But it sho' nuff is a beautiful place. Here's what it looks like:

This photo was taken by Donald Kinney. I found his site, Photoarrow, while looking for pictures of my beloved Northern California coastline, my favorite spot on earth. You should definitely check Donald Kinney's photo art. Do it HERE.

On the way back to reality, we stopped at Lucas Wharf in Bodega Bay for a basket of fish'n'chips. The Nervous Red Dog was quite enthusiastic about the breaded, piping hot fish filets, but was unimpressed by the chips. This was unsurprising, because the NRD has never been fond of potato. Every dog I've known has LOVED french fries, chips, bakers, anything! But not HIM. In his four years of life, he's been offered English style-chips nearly every Sunday and Tuesday night by well meaning patrons of the pub where I work. Never touches 'em. He'd sell me out for the fish though. He can't get enough. But back to the Lucas Wharf chips. The Dog didn't like them, but I thought they were great.

So even if the Giants lost three in a row, and I spent thirty five bucks I didn't have for a tank of frickin' gas, I'd have to call the weekend a roaring success. Watching the sun go down while next to the Pacific Ocean is the great salvation.

So tonight the Colorado Rockies meet the Giants at La Belle Pacifique. (AT&T Park to some) Noah Lowry to start...lets hope that they get back to winnin'.

Turn out the lights.....the Party's over

2007-04-27T21:26:00.000-07:00

As the picture to the left tells us, it's over. The Giants winning streak was snapped tonight with a 3-2 loss to the Diamondbacks. Tonight, the annoying spectre of years gone by also reared its ugly head, as Barry was intentionally walked twice and hit by a pitch. He'd had one intentional walk all season before last night in LA. I would like to see Ray Durham take umbrage and make them pay. Tonight was not one of those nights though.

Great game though, Mark Sweeney hit a pinch homerun tonight to make it 3-2, and the game in the 9th was in the hands of Ray Durham, with two out and two on. Ray had a couple of such situations in this game, and again came up empty, with a slow grounder to first. Zito took the loss. The Giants were in it until the last pitch, and are still playing great ball while not scoring many runs. So I say let's start a new streak tomorrow in the desert behind Matt Cain.

Get out the broom! Giants win again Eight In A Row

2007-04-26T22:17:00.000-07:00

Wow! After the first few innings tonight, I was gearing up to post the "It Was Fun While It Lasted" routine, but damned if the Giants didn't come back from a shaky start and win another one. They beat the Dodgers 5-4 to complete the sweep at Chavez Latrine. Excellent payback for a couple of weeks ago, when the Bums punked the Giants in their own house.

Russ Ortiz walked the ballpark, but never let the Dodgers unload on him, getting out of horrible jams in the first two innings and escaping with just three runs allowed. He settled in and blanked them after that. Kevin Correia pitched well tonight too, eventually getting the win when the Giants rallied in the 8th.

The Giants scraped up enough runs to tie the game, getting key hits and capitalizing on Dodger mistakes to finally take a 5-3 lead. Ethier banged a homerun off of reliever Brad Hennessey to bring the Dodgers within a run, but Armando Benitez once again pitched a 1-2-3 ninth for another save. The much maligned behemoth saved all three games of the series. Before the season started, Benitez was one of my many question marks with this Giants team, and even his first few saves this season aggravated my ulcer, but damned if he hasn't looked pretty solid lately. Seven saves in seven chances. Contract year too, so maybe if he won't do it for the fans, he'll do it for himself. Still, he's made me a believer and restored my confidence in him.

The Dodgers should have won this game. They failed to beat up Ortiz who had control issues early, and were hampered later by a broken squeeze play. But it was the Giants triumphant, one of those things that happen when you're living right I guess.
Here's the broom...On to Phoenix!

A 1-2-3 Save, Seven In A Row!!

2007-04-25T22:12:00.000-07:00

The Giants won another one tonight, their 6-4 victory over the hated Bums making seven in a row, and two at the Latrine.

Noah Lowry held on through some shoddy glove-work, and the bully did a hell of a job, namely Jack Taschner and Armando Benitez, who got what I think may be his first 1-2-3 save of the year, giving him six saves total.

It is always fun to hear the LA fans bellow and bay like rabid dogs whenever Barry Bonds comes to bat, is announced on the PA, or touches the ball in the field. Usually, the Greatest Slugger Of All Time feeds off of it, and tonight was no exception. Deafening boos, a crack of the bat, and #741 disappears over the center field fence--a three run bomb before a man was out in the first. . A smattering of applause, then silence. A forlorn beachball skitters into the outfield. A typical evening at Chavez. Last Night, Pedro Feliz was told by manager Bruce Bochy that he wouldn't be starting as much. (Klesko has been much better offensively, and Pedro quickly reverted to old habits of poor plate discipline after vowing to change.) That was in this morning's SF paper, and lo and behold Pedro started tonight and got a Home Run, which proved to be the winning run.

I am thrilled with this winning streak, after the opening week stinkage.

To sportswriters in general, and Los Angeles Dodgers fans especially, here is a public service announcement from former well-known actor David Caruso.

Matty Mo makes Six In A Row

2007-04-24T23:24:00.000-07:00

Matt Morris had a three hitter going with one out in the eighth, leading 5-1. The Bums got a couple hits back-to-back and then Bochy called for Hennessey. Brad, not the cognac. He promptly gave up a single to Kent and it was suddenly 5-3. Then Taschner, who has been very good since that post awhle ago where he had a sucky game, came in to get the ground ball he needed for the DP and to end the inning.

Big ol' Mando came in, and let a couple of guys get on base to give the kids a thrill, then got his 5th save. 5-3 winner.

I told the coolest baby in the world that The Giants beat the Dodgers tonight and he said...."Oh Rih-hih hih hih hilly...."

In honor of the Giants win, here's the Coolest Baby In The World....

Nothing can shock me anymore...

2007-04-23T10:39:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought that The Great White Father could not get any dumber or more out of touch with reality than he has been regularly, he is "reassured" by AG Gonzalez' smirking, stuttering, univerally ridiculed performance before the Senate last week. He might be the only one so impressed, save maybe Mother Gonzalez. Memo to the President's handlers: His tinfoil hat seems to be on the fritz. Do something.

Our President is as dumb as a baby sucking on paint chips. Good thing he's so fricking LOYAL.

"Yer doin' a heck of a job there, Alberto."

The strongest nation in the world has a functional illiterate at the helm. I have not seen a Bush speech in years that isn't marked with ceaseless stammering, interjections of "Uh....." and that strange little chortle he uses when he's trying to make a point.

History shouldn't judge this President, it should judge us as a nation for letting him sit in that office for eight years.

At this point, I'd almost prefer President Kerry, who might be a little less wealthy, but likely just as big a moron as the current office holder.

Happy Monday everybody. Here's Al, selling you a very poorly maintained used car:

Cain completes the sweep...Five in a row...

2007-04-22T17:54:00.000-07:00

Matt Cain finally got enough run support to win a game this season. The Giants shelled the Diamondbacks for two runs today, and the youngster used them both, pitching a complete game to win 2-1 today. Pete Happy and Barry Bonds provided the offense, with each getting a solo HR.

In honor of my father's 85th birthday, Barry hit #740 into the center field gallery. It should be noted that my dad is NOT a huge Barry fan. But I am.

Barry is on fire right now, running like he did five years ago and driving the ball with the old power. He's getting pitches to hit, because people can't believe he's not slowing down. But the intentional walks should be rearing their ugly heads soon enough once they find out. It's all in the knees, man. And those knees are HEALTHY.

Must be those new undetectable PED's, the ones made from the ground up bones of orphaned or stolen babies. I'm surprised the media isn't all over this!

But back to that starting pitching. Cain had a one-hit shut-out going into the ninth, but a couple of ground balls made it through the infield to set up first and third with nobody out. This provided a true sphincter-clenching moment, as Armando Benitez was lurking, ready to go in the pen. And Cain was over 100 pitches. Now Benitez has NOT blown a save yet, but there is still enough residual ill feeling from the last couple of years fror me to not have much confidence in him, especially with two men on and no out, and a mere two run lead. But Cain got another ground ball, this one right to Ray Durham, who fed Omar for the 4-6-3 double play. The run scored, spoiling the shut-out, but now the bases were empty and the D'backs were down to the last out. Tony Clark scorched a grounder to the right side but Durham managed to stop it and throw Clark out from his knees. Five game homestand, five games won. Now it's another road trip, starting Tuesday night in Teh Latrine, against those hated Bums.

It doesn't seem to matter so much that the offense takes a day off with this team---the starting pitching has been outstanding.

Here's 740:

Barry + Barry = 4 in a row....

2007-04-21T21:18:00.000-07:00

Today's 1-0 victory was the perfect sample game for those who wish to defend the cash outlay for the Two Barrys this past offseason. Barry Zito pitched seven shutout innings for his second win in a row, and the winning and only Giants run came on Barry Bonds' 739th home-run, a huge fly to deep center.

The Giants have made it back to ground zero after starting the year 1-7. Four in a row, six of seven and some very, very good starting pitching. The bullpen lately has been walking the high-wire lately, getting out of jams and preserving leads. Armando Benitez got another save of the sloppy variety, but a save nonetheless. Which is lots better than seeing (BS) after his name in the pitching line.

Tomorrow Matt Cain goes for the Giants as they try for the sweep and go above .500 after the dismal start to the year.

Tonight's victory spin:

Radiohead's first album, "Pablo Honey"

Whaddya know, Three In A Row...

2007-04-20T22:12:00.000-07:00

The Russ Ortiz Comeback Player Of The Year Campaign gained early momentum tonight when he pitched seven strong innings against the Diamondbacks, who tonight paid him to beat them.

The Giants won for the third time in a row, and they've won five of their last six. A very exciting ninth tonight with Benitez finally nailing down the save after giving the fans some thrills.

In the post-game radio interview, catcher Benjie Molina said that he's got to ride Benitez on every pitch to try and keep him focused. So far it's worked I guess. Molina was the perfect replacement for Mike Matheny, and I think he'll really help the pitching staff this year.

In celebration tonight, I am having a nice cocktail, a rip or two, and listening to one of the best Jazz albums ever.

Miles Davis In A Silent Way

Flashback To Good Times....

2007-04-18T23:44:00.000-07:00

Hokie Smokes, is it 2002 again? Bonds launches one into the cove to tie it, then after some stomach churning extra innings, Rich Aurilia drives one into the gap to win it 6-5 in 12 over the Cardinals.

Tonight's designated Bullpen Suck was Jack Taschner, who provided the nightly carnage by walking in the go-ahead run in relief of Matt Morris in the 7th.

Not so sucky was Armando Benitez, who pitched a 1-2-3 ninth in a non-save situation. Jonathan Sanchez provided some angst but got out of his jams and pitched three innings for the win.

Pujols had a big game for the Cards, but was cut down attempting to steal home to end the top of the 12th.

In honor of the Giants win, I'm posting a picture of a very young Nervous Red Dog, licking the hand that feeds him.

A Win, 3 Rainouts, and another Win...

2007-04-16T20:07:00.000-07:00

That makes for an undefeated road trip so far. Bwah. The layoff didn't seem to hurt, as the offense stayed alive. Durham and Benji Molina got their first homeruns of the season tonight, and Zito got his first win as a Giant. He went six innings, and didn't surrender any runs and gave up only three hits. Color me whiney, but I'd like to see the #1 Starter go more than 6.

In honor of the victory, I've posted one of my first Giant heroes as a kid. One of those inexplicable things a kid does when he's just starting to learn baseball. I picked the guy on the strength of how much he looked like he might be a good ballplayer in the picture on his baseball card. The guy was Ron Herbel, and he never did do much more than long relief in his career, but he was a back-end of the rotation starter on the first Giants team I followed religiously. (1965) He did set a big-league record, but I'm not sure if he still holds it. He is (or was) the worst hitting pitcher of all time (minimum 100 AB) Ronnie went 6 for 206 over his career. Final batting average? .029 He had a major league jawline though.

Lots of baseball left, like the whole season. And as my girl Britney Spears says, "They's people ahead of us.... But I like the 8-0 win at Coors. I do.

Giants Win!!! That's two!

2007-04-10T22:45:00.000-07:00

In honor of the Giants 6-5 victory tonight over the Friars to start the road trip, I'm putting up this picture of my favorite Giant of all time, Willie McCovey.

Matt Morris pitched very well tonight, and it turns out he's got BOTH of the Giants wins so far this year, both against the Padres, and both against Clay Hensley.. I'm hoping like hell that Noah Lowry can be the second Giants pitcher to record a win this year. It would be nice to win a mess on the road after the opening homestand suck fest.

Tonight it was excellent to see a Giant come home from third, that's been a rarity thus far. And Ryan Klesko's linebacker slide to break up the double play was crucial and maybe the play of the game.

That monster Adrian Gonzalez needs to be stopped though. He's a masher.

BREAKING NEWS...I have just learned via the San Francisco Chronicle that Hammerin' Hank will not be around to watch Barry break his record, opting to maybe golf instead. Color me butt-hurt. Sorry Hank. Only the best tasting Tuna get to be Starkist. He'll hit it whether you're golfing or spanking your elderly monkey to old clips of Al Downing.

Baseball's Greatest Shame

2007-04-08T13:01:00.000-07:00

No, not steroids or HGH. If you thought I was going to get all sanctimonious about Barry Bonds, I have a big hairy ass you can kiss. I like him, and I want him to break Aaron's record, and I think sportswriters in general should be skinned alive and roasted, just on principle.

The shame I'm talking about is letting ordinary citizens sing our national anthem. I'm talking about the kind of singer that watches American Idol and thinks "Hey, I can sing like that."

The term of art in this case is "Melisma" and it is the primary reason "American Idol" is as bad for the youth of America as crack cocaine is.

Melisma is the way of singing where, instead of taking one syllable and using one note to sing it, they take one syllable and use seven or eight notes to sing it, like Mariah Carey or ANY woman you see on American Idol. They think the way to be a diva is to do that awful, annoying vocal run bullshit. Then some amateur singer, maybe they're in a choir or something, gets picked by the Giants (and insert your team here) media office to sing the anthem before the game. And the trainwreck begins. Whenever I go to the games, I have to explain to the people around me "I'm not hurling this bucket of rotten fish parts at our country's national anthem, I'm hurling it at the moron who just did it grievous bodily harm in front of the crowd.

I get cranky when I hear "O'er the la--ha-hand of the Fuh-ree-hee-HEE-hee-hee-heeEEEEEEEH.......and the Home of thuh-huh-huh-huh-huh...Buh-ray-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-uh-hay haaaaaaayve."

I'd rather have Mrs. Miller (pictured) sing each and every one.

Two losses to the Dodgers

2007-04-07T21:24:00.000-07:00

Before that, two losses to the Padres. The baseball season isn't starting so hot for my team.

I feel sad. No amount of midget porn, high-grade bud, rum, and looping Led Zeppelin III will make the pain go away.

But one can try.

Here's what the Nervous Red Dog looked like as a puppy.

I feel better already.

Jesus H. Frickin' Christ

2007-04-05T17:06:00.000-07:00

The Giants are on a pace to lose 162 games this year. Two straight losses to open the year, making the offseason personnel decisions throb in my head. The one that frosts my chaff the most is the re-signing of Pedro "Pete Happy" Feliz. The team signed former Giant Rich Aurilia first, and I liked the deal because I'd prefer Rich Aurilia over Pedro Feliz, who I figured was toast once Richie signed. Then a couple of days later they went and signed Feliz to a one year deal. Apparently, he had figured out how to take a pitch and we were going to be surprised by his keen eye for the right pitch this year.

He raised his walk total this spring to ONE. Last spring he swung at such bad pitches his walks ended up in the negative bracket.

The guy in the pic is The Crazy Crab , the Giants' hated and retroactively adored first submission to the Age Of The Costumed Mascot. He lasted one year. That year was 1984, when the Giants were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked, losing 96 games. I posted his picture because that may be as many games as this 2007 team loses. Bonds (who I love as much as the worst hater hates him) is looking reborn. Which is nice.

Of course if they win tonight, I'll be back to thinking this team may never lose a game. Like always.

Post Quiz Report: Downtown Sunday Night

2007-03-26T09:55:00.000-07:00

Packed 'em in like sardines last night at the midtown Streets of London. The barstaff and I guessed that this was due to the local colleges starting spring break. I was a bit ruder than usual, but the crowd seemed to enjoy it. We had forty five teams which is a record, or close to a record anyway. I had to toss some loud-mouths out of the pub, which WAS a first. I threaten it weekly, but usually a warning is enough. Other than that the quiz went smoothly. First place went to a team whose name I forget but it had something to do with inadequate male endowment. Second place went to a team called "I Thought You Had To Be Smart To Be Going To College". The porno (Fishnets #3) went to a team that REALLY wanted it. The toughest question seemed to be "Name the two main ingredients in the British dish called 'Bubble & Squeak' " Only two teams got it right. (Potatoes & Cabbage). I also accepted "Potatoes & Spinach" because that's the way I first ate it. I forwent (is that the past tense of forgo?) the weekly English Premier League question and instead went with the murder of Cricket coach Bob Woolmer. Almost everyone got the question right. I debuted the new chili-pepper shirt my mom had made for me for my 50th birthday. I got many compliments. The Nervous Red Dog sat this one out, as there was a threat of rain so I left him to guard the home.

Bless Me Readers For I Have Sinned

2007-03-23T11:14:00.000-07:00

It has been one month since my last posting. I don't know what happened. Maybe it was the extra-kine pot I sprung for. The kind my associate refers to as "The Purple Hurkle". The kind that makes me put on Lucinda Williams or The Grass Roots or the Stranglers or James Brown and annoy the neighbors. Maybe it was depression. No job, fatness, old age and all. Maybe it was something that has chased me since infancy---laziness. That was probably it. I once told my mother that a perfect epitaph for my headstone would be simply my name, the relevant dates, and the inscription: "IF ONLY HE'D APPLIED HIMSELF"

Anyway, I haven't done much lately except host The Quizzes, watch five + seasons of "24" in a row (thanks Netflix), take my significant other for his dog park play dates, and the occasional rubbing-one-out thing.

Plus the weather's been nice. We've been spending a lot of time out-of-doors sitting in front of coffee-houses. One of us eyeballing hot midtown goth or hippie chicks, the other eyeballing bits of croissant and scones. Both of us salivating.

I don't know who the guy in the picture is. I googled "priest" for a picture, and I thought he looked cool. Maybe like a guy who practiced The Ancient Religion in private, and by day lived as a priest. Maybe not.

As an act of contrition, I'll resolve to update the blog in a timely manner. Not like people are waiting for it or anything. But baseball season is upon us, as is summer, and perhaps some twisted romance. So I might have things to post about.

One more thing--They had one of those annoying stupid irritating two-day pledge drives on my local affiliate a week or so ago. The kind that makes my skin crawl.

But I gave them some of my ever-decreasing pile of not much money. Because Peter Sagal made me feel like a dick. Sometimes that's the best motivator.

Marty

2007-02-21T22:03:00.000-08:00

Tonight I finally watched "The Departed", Martin Scorcese's nomination-laden 2006 Gangsta pic.

I enjoyed it, but I don't think I'm prepared to review it just yet. I want to let it sink in. I will say that I think "The Departed" must hold some sort of record for top-notch acting talent dying in many violent ways. Well, the gun and defenestration for two.

Which brings me to a simple set of questions, since it's "Oscar Week". If you were to spot the great director, given a list of these names, who would you say is the finely skilled talent?

Martin Scorcese.
Kevin Costner.

Or, if you're uncomfortable with the way I posed that one, how about his? Which of the following pictures is an influential masterpiece, still fresh more than 15 years after its release?

Goodfellas
Dances With Wolves

I don't know if I care to live in a world where Goodfellas was not named Best Picture, and Martin Scorcese was not named Best Director. But it happened. Martin Scorcese was passed over for someone who even Madonna thinks is a dork.

I was kidding about not wanting to live in a world yada yada yada, but still.

Great Moments In Jurisprudence

2007-02-19T11:17:00.000-08:00

While doing a little light reading on cannibalism this morning, I came across this gem from the trial of Alferd Packer, an old prospector in Colorado who led some companions into the San Juan Mountains in 1873 and came back some weeks later, alone and suspiciously fat. He claimed that his pals left him in the wilderness, and he had just barely survived his ordeal back home. Apparently, his fatness aroused suspicion, and the discovery that he had a large collection of his companions' worldly goods in his possession didn't help his cause either.

He was convicted of murder, later reduced to manslaughter, and sent for seventeen years hard labor. At his sentencing, outraged judge Melville Geery uttered one of my favorite sentencing lines ever:

"Packer, there were only seven Democrats in Hinsdale County, and you ate five of them, you depraved Republican son of a bitch!"

Looking around on-line, I found that this may be apocryphal. But still, I prefer history to be on the side of a guy with a good one-liner, so I'm accepting it in my heart as if it happened that way.

A claim is made that Packer and Albert Fish, an extremely kinky old codger in the late 20s , were the only two people in the US ever imprisoned for cannibalism, but I doubt that. Off the top of my head, I can name Jeff Dahmer and Ed Gein. The Russians approached it differently. Take Andrei Chikatilo, the Monster of The Don. Chikatilo actually wasn't sentenced to prison, he was given a 9 mm intervention a few months following his trial.

My Favorite Day Of The Year

2007-02-14T15:18:00.000-08:00

Nah, not Valentines' Day. My significant other is a dog, and he doesn't get the deal with such things. I'm talking about the day pitchers and catchers report to spring training. This is the day when my angst-meter is reset, and I look at all the moves the team made during the off-season with optimism and rose-colored glasses. Today is the day when my well trodden-on heart overflows with the notion that my Giants can go 162 and O during the regular season, and then 11-0 in the post-season.
Of course, once the emotion and the THC wears off, I get realistic. But for now, I love everyone on the 40 man roster, and the main one who isn't "officially", Barry Bonds. I had a rough fall and winter, and nothing says "renewal of Spring, and with it hope" like the official beginning of the baseball year.

Catch Of The Day: "Dad's Gonna Kill Me"

2007-02-14T11:22:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite musicians, Richard Thompson, has a new song available for free download on his site, Beesweb.

It's called "Dad's Gonna Kill Me". It's a provocative, chugging rocker about the Iraq war.

Download it Here.

Re-issued Treasure: Home & Away

2007-02-10T15:09:00.000-08:00

It's a rainy afternoon in Sacramento, and I'm having the time of my life. I'm listening to perhaps the greatest live acoustic album ever made, Clive Gregson and Christine Collister's "Home And Away".

It's been out of print for at least a decade, and it had been almost that long since my tired old cassette version, purchased (and autographed) at one of their gigs, finally became roadside confetti. Used versions on Ebay invariably were in the hundred dollar range, a bit rich for my impoverished ass. In the few email exchanges I've had with Clive over the years, I always asked when this would come out again. He was always noncommital, of the "maybe one day" persuasion. Imagine my surprise a few months back when I got an email from him announcing that Gottdiscs, a reissue company in the UK was putting it out again. I ordered it from them straight away, and it got here promptly.

I was hoping that I hadn't made it legendary through memory only, and that it would still sound pretty good.

It. Sounds. Excellent. Made for allegedly sixty pounds in 1987, around the time they were an integral part of the Great Richard Thompson's touring band (Clive, guitar and vocals Chris, vocals) this CD features only a lush acoustic guitar sound and two voices that wrap around each other with intuitive grace. This is living-room quality stuff. It sounds like they're on your sofa or in front of your fireplace. On the more raucous numbers, there's even an excited dog chipping in on the chorus. Cover versions like Merle Haggard's "Mama Tried" and Larry Williams "Matchbox" are mixed with some beautiful Gregson compositions like "Home Is Where The Heart Is", "All The Time In The World" and "Northern Soul". Several of these songs are from Clive's days with Any Trouble, an unfairly neglected pop band on Stiff Records' roster. If you're of a mind for an intimate live album , do yourself a favor and click on the link below and buy it. I think the exhange rate and postage work out to about twenty bucks total.

Get it from Gottdiscs UK. Click Here.

Dive! Dive! Obsessing on Submarine Movies

2007-02-09T13:49:00.000-08:00

I've been watching submarine movies like they're going out of style. They probably are out of style now anyway. I've seen most of them before, but one watching begat another, and soon my Netflix queue was as loaded with submarines as the Kriegsmarine was in 1940. They range from teh excellent, (Das Boot) to the absolutely horrible (U-571) . I was going to review them all, but I figured U-571 deserves its own post. WARNING: TOTAL SPOILERS BELOW.

U-571
I had run out of sub movies to watch, so I watched this one. Oy. . Matt McConnaghey is the XO aboard the USS Bon Jovi, named for the guy playing a doomed crewman. Cap'n Bill Paxton is the earnest skipper, who has recently given the navy a "no" vote to the question of should McConnaghey have his own command. They get a mission to go snag an Enigma machine off of a disabled U-Boat (U-571, natch.) First they must race to the scene ahead of another German sub sent to rescue it, then don Nazi Submariner uniforms, board the disabled vessel, overpower the crew, snag the Enigma machine, blow up the disabled sub, and return to base pronto before the dirty huns know they're about an Enigma Machine shy of a full compliment. Leading the landing party for the Americans is good old David Keith, (who you may remember as the wise-cracking, engagement-ring gobbling cheap motel suicide buddy of Richard Gere in "An Officer And A Gentleman" and not so much of a career since.) There's also some government spy type who speaks fluent German and gets seasick along for the ride. I forget who plays him, but he looks like a cross between a stockbroker and Tim Roth. Everything goes pretty well vis a vis the sub takeover, and just as they're ready to blow the disabled sub, the German rescue sub appears on the scene and torpedoes the American sub. Just a handful of men remain on the disabled German sub (and the Enigma machine, saved from drowning) and they immediately dive. Through expert maneuvering, they manage to fire a torpedo at the enemy sub, and it blows up real good in CGI splendor. They surface, looking for survivors. They see Cap'n Bill Paxton floating dead with a blowed up eye, and the ONE survivor they pluck out is the former captain of the very UBoat they're stuck on. A Jerry. A lousy hun. From here on in, it is submarine movie cliche all the way.

Captain looks through periscope, sees destroyer bearing STRAIGHT FOR 'EM.
Destroyer lobs a bevy of depth charges, rocking the sub, leaks spring up.
Captain insists they 'take er deep', close to or surpassing "Crush Depth"
Screws pop loose, gauges pop their bezels, leak after leak appears.
The only thing left is to? Wait for it.....BLOW THE TANKS
German captain able to kill a crewman, and later signal the enemy destroyer before being apparently bludgeoned to death.
Surface, race against time to fix the broken torpedo tube, launch single torpedo at bow of ship, watch it blow up completely, saving the day and the code machine.

Also, it really bugged me that the Americans were the ones that swiped the Enigma. Several Enigmas were captured early in the war by the British. No Americans got an Enigma until 44 or so, long after the U-Boats were a big factor in the war. The sensibility of this film would be like making "Enemy At The Gates" into a movie where a cowboy sharpshooter (Brad Pitt or someone) and his handful of salty American troops stop the German advance at Stalingrad and save the Soviet Union from ruin. For four decades anyway.

I learned from the internets that one of the deleted scenes (not included on the DVD, unfortunately) has Jon Bon Jovi being horribly decapitated. That might have changed my outlook.

I think that U-571 has as much accuracy and realism as say..."Down Periscope".

Anna Nicole Smith Pops Her Clogs

2007-02-08T23:05:00.000-08:00

They say she wanted to be like Marilyn Monroe. Looked kind of like her, died before 40.

Not quite surprised, but surprisingly saddened by the passing of Anna Nicole Smith in Florida. I loved to look at her, especially at the fattest of her up-and-down battle with weight loss. I like big girls with wild curves. Carsick making curves. Following her progress to the pearly gates over the last couple of years was pretty sad though.

When I lived somewhere with a TV, oftentimes a remote cycle would pause for a few minutes on her reality show, and even that stagey "not so real" reality show was sad. I hope she wasn't as stupid in real life as on that show, but how could she be. She married well with very nice timing and became a huge celebrity with not much discernable talent except for the stunning visual.

Can't be THAT lucky. Or stupid.

Descending to train-wreck personal appearances, where she looked and sounded drunk or stoned or both and then losing a son at what should have been a pretty happy time for her was not so much fun to watch.

She was no Marilyn Monroe. Like I said earlier, looked a bit like her sometimes, died young, but Marilyn? No. Look at the bright side though. Anna Nicole Smith will never have a tribute song written for her by rock's biggest no-talent hack, Bernie Taupin. At least I hope not.

I'll miss those dangerous curves, and can only hope she has a happier next life.

Lights, Karma, Action!

2007-02-08T21:45:00.000-08:00

I was rummaging through the seventy billion or so boxes of CDs I have stacked up in my tiny apartment, trying to whittle down several years of "keep it all" apathy from my career at an independent music distributor. I want to get my CD colllection back to a manageable level. Right now, it's just plain nuts. Box after box of "promos", which are free goods that record labels send out so you can be familiar with their artists. We'd get ten or so promos a week of all kinds of wild stuff most of the world, myself included, have never heard.

Most of them came home, sat around long enough to be stuffed into a permanent box, and stacked against the wall with the other detritus. But I digress. While rooting through the boxes, deciding which CDs I honestly would never play even once, and those which were good enough to keep for several more years, I came across a real gem that I'd forgotten about. It's called Bombay The Hard Way: Guns, Cars & Sitars. It's a collection of soundtrack music from various Bollywood films of the 70s. These see-em-to-believe 'em films had something for everyone. Shaft and Kung-Fu type action, heart-bursting romance, suave hipster detectives, car chases, evil plots against humanity, and a couple of points in mid-action where someone would suddenly burst into song, complete with choreography. Real crowd-pleasers. The collected bits of soundtrack on this CD are marvelous listening, combining the funk-orchestra soaring strings with a jazz beat, then putting traditional Indian elements like the sitar and tabla into the mix. Some of it includes blatant rippoffs of Western cinema soundtracks (I distinctly recognized Lalo Schifrin's "Mission Impossible" and an Ennio Morricone harmonica riff) but that's part of its charm. Another part of its charm is the way that some of the tracks are broken up by odd snippets of dialog, some in Hindi or Urdu and some in English.

I enjoyed it so much that it made it all the way to the "permanent listening" rack, and out of the "also-ran" carton ghetto forever.

I highly recommend it, looks like it is still in print.

Buy it at Amazon. Click Here.

My complicated affair with NPR

2007-02-05T10:58:00.000-08:00

Just about the only radio station I listen to with regularity is the local NPR station. They just finished one of their monthly "extra short five day pledge drive" pitches. I didn't send any money. Instead I gave what amounts to their standard donation to a charity of my choice in their name. I will continue to do so in order to feel good about listening without actually giving them money to spend where ever they like. I don't want my money (which is really scarce these days) going to promote (in no particular order) :

1) The Unger Report, a "comedy" bit on Day To Day which would be the singular most unfunny thing on NPR if it weren't for the interminable "Guy Noir" sketches on A Prairie Home Companion.

2) A Prairie Home Companion, which should have been cancelled when Keillor left the first time.
I have never hit the next pre-set button with as much force as I have while listening to GK sing or listen to the absolutely excruciating "comedy" sketches his show spins off with workmanlike regularity.

3) The Ethnic Hours like Latino USAeee with Maria Hinojosa and News and Notes with Farai Chideya. I'd be down with this if there was a daily or weekly program totally dedicated to "Caucasian Issues". It would be fun if only to see the outrage.

4) The local announcer who spins such gems during pledge drives as "My favorite part about being in public radio is the pledge drive". Yes, mine too. Compelling radio.

5) They canned Bob Edwards, for whom I had much man-love.

If only I could live without Car Talk, This American Life, Weekend Edition Saturdays with Scott Simon, Fresh Aire, and Wait Wait Don't Tell Me, I'd never listen.
And my single most favoritest most specialest thing on NPR,

"I'm Lakshmi Singh, NPR News.....Washington."

So. Gosh-Darned. Hot. If Lakshmi Singh personally ordered me to contribute to News & Notes and Latino USA, I'd do it immediately. Such is my slavish devotion.

Love, Jessie Smith at Craigslist ;-)

2007-02-04T00:19:00.000-08:00

I admit it, I peruse the personals on Craigslist. I like the missed connections, and the 'w4m' section. There's an amazing woman in that section named Jessie Smith. You know how some beautiful women have eyes that change color depending on the light? Jessie's got them beat. She changes her age and her appearance. Sometimes she's in the mid twenties and a confident-looking blonde, a single mother with not much time for a relationship but damn it, she'll make time. Other times she's a mid-thirties biracial cutie, taking college classes at night and looking for a nerdy guy to cuddle and study with. Tonight she's a 29 year old Asian woman, seeking to establish a quaint small business, and perhaps buy a house with her suitor and make it a home.

Jessie, Jessie. So many things to so many men. She is what you want her to be. I like that in a fake woman spam generator.